.,namimighating damdamin....

"The world will still keep on turning without me; what is going to happen will happen, and anyway it's no good to resist..."

.,sa pagkakataong ito muli akong susulat gamit ang wikang aking nakalakhan.... napakabigat ng aking damdamin.... natatakot akong baka hindi ko ito makayanang dalhin... hindi ko alam kung pang ilang araw na ito.... bumubugso.... bumabaon.... unti-unti, lumalamon...

dumating na ang bangkay ni kuya dong kahapon ng umaga... naroroon ako, ang aking ama at ang aking ina... nasaksihan ko kung gaano kahirap....kung gaano kasakit ang mawalan ng mahal sa buhay.... rumaragasa ang bugso ng damdamin.... lahat ay naluha... naiyak... humagulgol... napakasakit... nangilid ang aking mga luha... kinagat ko ang aking natutuyong mga labi (dahil sa lamig) upang pigilan ang aking mga mata na ituloy ang pag patak ng mumunting mga luha.... tumalikod ako sandali... patuloy sila sa pag iyak... ramdam ko ang kanilang pagdadalamhati... hindi ko alam kung anong nararamdaman ko... namamanhid ang aking katawan....

binuksan ang kabaong upang ilagay ang salamin sa ibabaw nito... lalong lumakas ang iyakan... hindi ko makayanan... lumabas akong pasumandali.... at sa mga ulap ibinaling ang aking atensyon... alas otso ng umaga... bago pa ang sikat ng araw... kakaunti ang ulap... malungkot...
puro kalungkutan... bangungot... gusto ko nang magising....

nasasaktan ako para sa kanila... kanina nagpunta sa bahay si ate gemma... alas otso y medya ng umaga... muli at muli kanyang sinambit sa akin, "alam mo michael masuwerte ka marami kang kapatid... ako, kaisa-isang kapatid ko na lang kinuha pa sa akin... (nakikita ko ang mga nangingilid na luha sa mga mata nya...) pag tinititigan ko yung kapatid ko hindi ko mapigilang umiyak...(papatak na ang luha...) nasasaktan ako pag naiisip kong wala na sya... na wala na 'kong kapatid... kung wala lang akong asawa at mga anak siguro maiisip ko sumama na lang ako sa kanya... kasi malulungkot lang ako alam ko malungkot din sya dun mag isa lang din sya... (tumulo ang mga luha... nangingilid ang mga luha ko.... pinigil kong muli ang sarili ko sa ikalawang pagkakataon...) ramdam ko ang dinadala nyang pighati... ganoon siguro talaga kasakit... ngunit hindi ko mahinuha kung mas gaano pa kasakit para sa kanya...

bago siya umalis sinabi nya muli sa akin.... "kaya ikaw masuwerte ka.... hindi ka nag-iisa.... marami kang kapatid...." paulit-ulit... hindi lamang isa o dalawang beses... narinig kong muli mula sa kanyang mga labi... siguro nga sobrang sakit... ako?... hindi ko nararamdaman na tatlo pa ang kapatid ko... parang minsan isa lang... ewan ko... siguro may kulang... may puwang... may pagitan... alam ko may dahilan kung bakit paulit- ulit nyang binabanggit... kung bakit paulit-ulit ko iyong naririnig...

siguro para pahalagahan ko yung kung ano ang meron ako ngayon, kung ano yung mga bagay na minsan hindi ko nabibigyan ng pansin kahit nandyan na...para matutunan kong mahalin lahat ng "mahahalagang" tao sa buhay ko... bago pa mahuli ang lahat... oh matapos ng hindi ko inaasahan... sana nga.. sa mga susunod na panahon siguro dapat isulat ko naman kung sino ako... kung sino yung mga tao sa paligid ko... yung mga taong kailangan kong bigyan ng higit pang pansin at pagpapahalaga... para hindi lang umiikot sa mundo ko yung buhay ko... para makilala ko pa yung sarili ko...



"Alone i had to face the difficult task of changing myself, to stop the everlasting reproaches, which were so oppressive and which reduced me to such terrible despondency..."

.,hope i will be happy....

.,i have an 'appointment' later at four... and i don't know what to expect... this was already planned about less than a month ago... we were texting at twelve midnight (that was five hours ago or so...) and we're talking on our little concerns...

angel-o: hapi bday!...=)

bestfrend: yehey! salamat!

a-o: bakit ka nag yehey!?..

bf: wala lang kasi bday ko na...

.........(thinking not replying...)...........

bf: punta ka sa'min bukas, u lyk?

a-o: ndi mo ba ko ililibre mamaya?..

bf: san m ba gusto?...

.........(lol.. this is one of the first time that you asked me/ you volunteered to treat me out...)........

a-o: sabi mo red ribbon... 4got that?

bf: ndi q un nkklimutan.. wat tym m gus2?...

a-o: hapon na lng.... kaw wat tym?.... kw manlilibre eah...=)

bf: 4?

..........(nice reply... lazy bob!...).........

a-o: ok gueh.. kita na lng tau dun sa may ....?.... gueh na antok na ko.... hapi bday ulit...

bf: oki.. slmat...

.........(then shut my eyelids down...)......

this is a very special day not because it's bf's birthday (alright, partly...) but because it's my parents 27th year anniversary today.... can you just imagine how long they've been together now... i am proud of my parents... they reached quite a long distance... won all the battles laid and passed through the obstacles testing their relationship.... soon i will be writing about my roots... for you to know be better than best.... write down all the clear details from my mind...
mama and papa went to church... (they always do that every year....) i suppose the mass is now over and they are already eating out on that certain restaurant....(they always celebrate their anniversary there.... and they just hand me a meal they took out...) of course that's their time to spend together.... and i will not bother to interrupt the bursting flame between the two of them...

oh i almost forgot.... it is also the birthday of my papa's bestfriend in las pinas... (a coincidence?...) lol... thinking of it always makes me beam... it's my 'bestfriend' and my father's 'bestfriend's birthday....huh?...

i don't know what's the best thing to give to 'bestfrend' later... i have no idea... i know bf wants a guitar but huh.... (can't afford it this time.... i have something to buy for myself.... lol...)selfish!!!....

:to mama & papa,
may the both of you have a very wonderful day not only today but as much as always.. thousands of twenty seven years more... and a whole lot of love, hope, faith and blessings.... i love you both... so much...=) and always will.... forever...

:to tito rolly,
happy happy birthday!!.... you are one of my dad's best buddy... hope you'll soon get over with your diabetes.... continue taking your medicines.... don't get tired so much... thanks for all your help... i can pay you back at some time... wish we can go back at kr's...(kenny r's) i miss the chicken... and all those pasta stuffs... (of course your treat...=) looking forward to see you soon...
we miss you...=) take care.... Godspeed...

:it's your time....
wish you'll be happy... stay who you are... the being i know... i don't need to say much... i don't wanna sound good... lol.... just see things i am doing and show you care... to my best buddy.... happy birthday...=)

yours,
- angel-o...=)

.,a beep...

.,it's been so long.... i have been longing so much to hear from you.... you have not sent me any message these past few weeks... i am reckless.... i feel so empty.... when was the last time we saw each other?... talked about stuffs under the sun?... i cannot recall....

i think of you time after time... cogitating of what is now happening to you... it is like i am in a cold spell.... i want you to be the one who'll do the first move... I'm just waiting whenever you feel like you need me.... indeed you are special to me... it's like i am in drought... lacking something every time thoughts of you pass through my psyche.... days continuously go by.... and Christmas is coming soon.... it feels so cold... i need someone to comfort me... i want you to comfort me.... i need you to be with me...

imissyou...

-********************....

.,a public private room.....

.,i just want to flee into the yonder.... escape from my own place....i am not feeling any pleasure about 'i' trying to get along with a lot of some 'i don't know how to define'-individuals living here on earth...

i have not held any ideas on my mind that i will feel this f*ck*ng sh*t inside of me... i held back.... controlled my temper so as not to be sarcastic or mock another entity.... as far as i know i have not done such things to a person... especially to a young little girl on which i have always been very patient since the time that i have had any 'biological relationship' with her... i am thinking whether she might grow up like what she is right now.... some kinda bitchy at times... having mood swings.... she needs to reach her maturity age sooner or else i might get a full bucket and she-being dumped into a place she might not like.... she doesn't know who am i.... she doesn't have any idea that horns might sprang up from this silly billy inside of me.... she's digging up her own grave....lol...



yeah i am so bitchy... talking like i am really exasperated... and that it is a big thing for me....

i have offered a great favor and that is what i am gonna get in return... a mood problem... an attitude difficulty.... sigh.... well it is really annoying... this part of the day is really annoying....
i just hope i am gonna be more finesse when i am dealing with her.... more enduring... more tolerant.... or we shall clash....



my room has been occupied by a lot of people since you came....an empty room with an open door...yet full of floating and wandering souls... will i be happy???..... what can i get???..... have you been here already???..... and should you try???.... i am totally fed up... saying all the nasty things i can say... (this is a democratic country.. right??....)

invasion... attack... assault... i am sick of having seen 'some people' more often than i just should... and i cannot do anything to escape from this shit reality i am in now.... is this a park??.... how can you call this your 'personal'?.... if all the time... almost everyday these people are the ones you always see the benefits with.... i cannot explain further...

these are just my rough opinions... all that is running into my mind...
flashing....
evading....
maybe i just need some sleep... on my 'own bed' with my 'own pillow' in my 'own room'.... how i wish all these are just my own....

not sharing things with almost every single person going inside this room... i just want things to be mine... selfish??... hell not.... i just need some privacy... my own time in my own little place.... here inside my box....

that is all that i want for now.... can everyone please give me the favor???....
please understand!!!..... (screamin'....)

.,year-end party... (whatever!...)

.,sigh.... i thought it was some kind of a waste of time.... this day is not that nice... it was 4:45pm i went at the meeting place of the 'scholars' with my 'clustermate'... it wasn't that good as usual.... and i expected it to happen.... all those 'filipino-time' following individuals always makes my mind be flight worthy enough to break free of the hostile captivity on which i am in.... my eyes haunted for scenes i've not always seen.... the place is so chaotic... it is a real havoc.... the wind blows hard and it is so cold.... i have thought of bringing a jacket but thanks for my laziness i was not able to get one...=)



the leaves of the trees all fell down... it was like it is fall and not winter.... i wonder if those trees feel cold during the night.... it caught my attention and made me not think of all those 'ontime' individuals i am waiting to arrive.... lol....


the place is decorated with Christmas garlands... there are lanterns.... an improvised christmas tree... and all those 'trying hard decors' just to have the feeling of the nearly coming celebration of Christmas.... (how many times have i mentioned 'Christmas' in that sentence?).... ahh forget it....


and so we went on... alas... they came... the meeting started and i had to leave the place before roots sprang up from my feet....


alright proceed....


i went to school after an hour at the meeting.... i don't know what to expect... all i know is that almost three fourths of our class will not attend the said event.... of course they also think that it will be boring.... they changed the name of the event.... i don't know why.... just to have some 'effect' maybe.... it was 'Christmas party' before..... (the usual....) and then they changed it into 'CNM's year-end party..... and i don't even care... whatever they'll call it.... the place venue isn't that nice.... it was held on our school parking lot hahaha...... they call it the 'school ground' but because of all the cars parked there during school days it looks like a huge free parking space...

but thanks to our student councils... thanks for this giant Christmas cake they built-up for the spirit of this yuletide season....

the food which we anticipate to be all that matters is always.... just like the past parties- a disaster... it was nearly spoiled... and so i only ate the dessert.... the only thing i loved about the occasion is the gay or rather homosexual entertainers giving all their best to make us laugh.... they are making fun out of themselves.... which they really are.... we laughed our hearts out.... all the time.... during their presence.... and when they were gone.... so am i.....

i left the happening at ease... and now i am home....


feeling quite tired and sleepy...

that is all for now.... i have another meeting to attend to tomorrow.... and i hope it wouldn't be like the previous one....


p.s.
a voice coming from the other room said..."matulog ka na nga!..." that's mama....
so it's a good bye for now... ciao....

.,hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian....

.,my third post today....hahaha.... i feel so lazy.... i have to finish things with regards to our report.... i have not done anything yet.... not yet starting and doesn't even want to exert an effort.... lol....
i just really want to sleep now.... it is 9:01pm.... if i start doing our report now then what time will i finish it???...... haizzzz...... i don't know.... can i make it?....


or do i want to????..... hahahaha...=) lols.....

.,sailing....

.,i feel like i am sailing on a stormy sea...

don't have any one with me....



all alone by myself....

waiting for a rescue....
or to vanish out on this lonely sea...
raging waves....
deafening thunder...
detrimental lightning.....

.,hurting.... dying....

.,i have received a bad news... a close family friend died... he just migrated to the united states about a few months ago with his family... our neighbor, her sister told me while crying.... "si mama mo?... gusto ko lang sabihin wala na 'kong kapatid... (then she cried, but held her self so as not to show any signs of weakness to me...) patay na si kuya dong mo...." i was on the state of shock where in i don't know what to say to her.... i pity those people who just realizes the worth of someone after they were gone.... human's life is really just a matter of wether you can live it to the fullest or reach your pit stop finishing nothing.... my heart feels like it is gonna stop pumping blood right now.... i really feel so sorry for her....and for Inang Ana.... she really loves her son... a lot... i know it 'coz i feel it... and i see it... the way she cares for her only son...


i really feel so sad... man's life is so short... that we cannot expect anything more about it.... it is already here but it feels like this is just a nightmare... i cannot escape... i cannot wake up.... i feel so stocked...

i don't know how to comfort her.... she is my mom's bestfriend here in our subdivision.... they tell secrets to each other.... but mama is not here now.... on one of the most important times that her friend needs her... i feel like crying.... i am so into the situation.... and it digs up slowly as i am coming to realize that this is all real...


i cannot finish this any more... i have not yet eaten anything since this morning... and now i am fed with a very hitting news.... hurts....


really hurts....


i wanna cry....='(

.,wandering... (a continuation...)

.,hours have passed and i am still looking at that young little boy while he is peacefully sleeping... thinking if someone will accompany him home... i have no idea what things awaits the child's fresh life... if he knows where to go next... or what to do with his life... he still doesn't know where his mother is right now... or if she can come back to fetch him...
pity that child...

he has been sleeping for hours now... no wonder.... maybe he felt really exhausted upon wandering with his mother miles and miles of distance....

=flashback...=

they once lived a very luxurious life... he is the only son of an attorney and a very beautiful woman... have a car, a mansion house, and their own real estate business.... (but not for long....)
it was bankrupted which forced them to sell their most held properties to be able to pay their debts... his father died unexpectedly... seen in the room laid without a breathe... said he slept and not able to wake up... his mother does not know any work that time and they were forced to leave the apartment they were renting... spontaneously, they lived on streets wandering.... waiting for a miracle to happen... and then there was only him... just him.....

"nasan po ako???.... nasan po si mama??", the child asked conspicuously to the nurse on duty...
"anong pangalan mo boy???.....", answered the nurse... about a mile away from the questions of the child... she is checking the vital signs of her patient... "milo po pangalan ko... uhm... nasan po si mama???" , asking for the second time...
the nurse did not utter even a single word.... leaving the eyes of the child puzzled.... wondering about all the things that is happening.... there are a lot of people passing through the corridor of the place... and he is not used to that kind of environment.... the child thinks.... "iniwan na yata ako ni mama.... siguro pinuntahan si papa.... hindi naman ako sinama..." he stood up... leaning towards the curtain... walking... moving.... and then finally out to the world.... he looks so untidy because he has not taken a bath for about a day or so.... which catches all the 'observant' people's eyes... he continued walking until he reached the main door of the hospital... the guard at the door asked him... "pasyente ka ba dito bata??... san nanay mo???...."....
"pupuntahan ko po sya... kasama po nya si papa...." the child replied thinking only of his two known individuals.... "alam mo ba kung saan???..." the guard tested the informations of the child... "opo. pupuntahan ko po sila...." and then the child ran as quick as he could... as if a dog was running on his back.... luckily, the guard did not even make an effort to run at the direction of the child...

he was still weak... that his parasympathetic nervous system made him stop... he heard something ringing from his stomach... yes, he's hungry... and he doesn't know where he can get some food... a place to eat... a place to rest.... a safe place to dwell....
"mama!!!!...." the child shouted from afar... he ran towards that distance.... and then smilingly- he stopped....



-to be continued....

.,struggling yet fighting...

.,this is one of those imperfect days... i don't know... but that's how i can classify it...

i really do not know what is happening to me on our p.e. class... i am losing a lot of focus lately... and i have no idea why... i know my strengths and weaknesses and i know my limitations too.... and i know that i can do better than what i have done this day.... i think it is really just that..., "if it's not for you, it's not for you...." no matter how hard you try for it... but i do not know how to accept that a hundred percent.... everything happens for a reason and i don't know what's mine... i really just wouldn't understand why... i am not feeling so much hurt... i am just quite disappointed about what i have done to myself....


i did not do well on our quiz... not because i have not reviewed anything... not because i know nothing... or because i have not been able to peek on my seatmates copy.... it is so simple.... "i have not clearly read the instructions on the test paper...." and misunderstood what my professor have said... i am way too over confident every time i know that i have reviewed before the exam or prepared well before seating on the hot seat.... and so i am sometimes taking things for granted and proceed to the questions and answer.... i thought that it was that simple.... but na-ah... it is not.... instructions, directions or whatever ya'll call it.... it complicates life... hahahaha..... (just kidding=) that is the one big problem that i do need to solve within me.... and i have no idea how...


...i am struggling to stand on the edge of a cliff not knowing what awaits me down below.... i am afraid to look down... nor make another step, even a tiny one.... i am holding my breathe as i am still moving near.... the wind blows averagely and i feel it is cold.... i am fighting, and continiously fighting...


fighting but still struggling....=(



-angelo...

.,wandering...

.,i was alone in my room thinking of so many things... laid down on my back- in a supine position... i picked up my pillow and then shut my eyelids down...

....i remembered taking steps with my feet... the land is dark and the moon is bright... i cannot see other things but the tiny little glowing lights beneath the grayish sky... "mama, kailan babalik si papa?..." coming from the tiny little voice of a young boy... he is about six or seven years old, asking about where his father went and when he will come back... "Hindi alam ni mama anak... nasa malayong lugar si papa... mahirap puntahan....", replied his mom... i saw that there is something behind her eyes holding her back from saying more informations about where the father have been... "edi puntahan na natin s'ya ngayon para maaga tayong makarating...", said the little child smiling... he does not know what he is saying... the only thing that is running in his mind is the aim to see his father back with him... with them... "hindi tayo papapasukin doon anak... mahirap pumasok dun...", his mom explained to him that it is difficult to go there... it is so complicated that it might take all their time travelling through that one destination... I also do not know where that place is.... what state or country is she talking about... all i know is that it is really a very distant place that only few individuals have the idea/ knows where it is...

I stopped walking and sat down for a while... i felt a little tired... "mama uuwi na ba tayo?.... baka naghihintay si bob..." the child continued asking... his mother seems not to hear what he's saying... "mama uuwi na tayo?... uuwi na po ba tayo ha mama?..." His mother bent her knees slowly and carried him on her short slim elbows... "oo anak... sige matulog ka na muna sa balikat ni mama... uuwi na tayo.... pupuntahan natin si bob..." the young boy laid his head down on his mama's shoulder yawning... "mama puntahan natin si bob ah... pun...tahan natin si.... pa..pa.." his eyes were shut upon saying those words... maybe the child felt tired from their long day of wandering... "sige anak... matulog ka na muna.... gigisingin kita pag malapit na tayo kay papa..." the road is empty... there are no lights on the posts nor are there any brightness coming from the houses they passed by... "papa..." the young boy was dreaming... he must have been longing so much to see his father... he still thinks of his 'papa' even when asleep...

the 'wang-wang' of the siren caught all the peoples attention... a lady was robbed, her belongings stolen, received a gun shot from the hold upper and has been stroked by a knife on her lower left chest... the child didn't know what was happening... next thing he knows... he is with the ladies in an all-white shirt... he is wondering where his mother is... one girl in an all-white shirt injected something within the child... and for the second time then... he fell asleep...



-to be continued...

.,archieaddict2....

.,just having my moment.... i am really touched... specially on the 4:13th....

.,capital bi-ey-di ti-ar-ay-pi....

.,i wonder why this day went the way it is.... lols... the story goes....

yesterday, before i shut my weary eyes i said my prayers and wished for everything good for today.... but then.....

:woke up at 5:35am, prepared my breakfast, took a bath, did every preparations and then went to school...

: 8:27am took a quiz on our first subject and got 7 out of ten... (what the h*ck... my teacher said that we need to invest for our grades and better start it now {on mid term} than to just 'get back on the road' on finals.... although she said that we need to get at least 7/10 that is still a low score for me... because i do have a goal right now and i really need to make it a reality... but how can i do it if i'm not doing that well during this times?... aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.......

: 9:05am "ma'am i am having an important call, and i need to get home as soon as possible.... will you allow me to?...." alright think of it until your brain gets out of your tiny skull.... "sige bumalik ka na lang i- thi-3rd batch kita...." replied my professor....

: 10:15am during the quiz.... "diether, lumipat ka dito sa kabila... masyado kayong malapit ni kristine...." ok then.... there's no problem with it.... i can survive alone... (i'm a loner....) but what am i thinking during that time is that... "what is she thinking 'bout me huh?...."

: 10:53am after the quiz, answered the activity... "bakit ba kailangan pang sagutan to eah hindi naman makikita ni ma'am... matatandaan ka ba nun?.... nakakatamad magsagot..." said my new 'savage friend'.... if you don't want to answer that ms. boor then you can freely do so... don't include us... or my "friends" on your black plans... i will freely appreciate it if you'll keep it yourself... [well, i'm not being cruel to her...{defending myself?... i don't think so....} it's just that... i am really not used to that kind of 'breeding' my friends have not shown me.... peace you....

: 2:00pm "OMG!!!!.... this is my last two frames.... and i only have a 35 there.... my God.... what's happening to me???....." on our p.e. class, bowling.... the passing score is 50 and it is equivalent to 3 or 75%... i still need 15 points to be able to pass.... i feel so worried of hitting just the canals or the gutters... my friends and classmates kept saying... "go angelo... kaya mo yan...; angelo nagagalit ka kasi ay....; angelo ano nangyayari sa'yo?...; angelo ok ka lang?...." ok guys thanks for the concern but sorry because i just ignored some of your concerns... i owe you guys an apology and i just realized it now.... by the way, i scored 51... just enough for me to pass... but then i am very disappointed about what had happened... say it... I'm weak... i went inside the comfort room while waiting for my turn... and yes... my tears fell down.... good thing no other student uses the room that time.... that was my moment and i felt a little embarrassed to myself.... "ang ARTE!!!!...." i am just a human being... an emotional human being....=) sorry....

: 3:00pm period of decline.... alright now... i'm cooled down... i am already dipped into a bucketful of ice... sir dinar... thank you so much... you are one of the reason why i am totally recovered... "you made me lol.... hahaha...=) even if you do not know what is that you have done to me i still wanna thank you.... a thousand thanks.... thanks for your 'family planning demonstrations and illustrations...' lols...

: 9:26pm this is now the present time.... and i told my mama what had happened during the whole day... and she said positively... "wag mo na isipin yun... ganun talaga eah... bumawi ka na lang sa susunod....iinisin mo lang sarili mo dun.... hindi na yun mababago...." yah you're right ma... i cannot do anything about it any more unless i canbring back the elasped time.... tomorrow i am going to have a practice... tomorrow i am going to that same place again.... i just wish that i have already learned from my mistakes.... and not to think so much of what i am thinking 'coz that is what happens.... {those negatives...} that is what the 'secret' tells me...

Dear God,

i am laying down everything before you.... my life, my all... i am thanking you for this new day that you have given me coz even though i was a little harsh on some things You were able to carry me back to the road where i must have been... thank you so much for everything... i really do not know what will happen to me if You're not here with me... thank you so much... sorry... and I Love You....


-angelo...=)

.,i know you'll understand...

.,i worried so much about what you are going to say to me by the time we'll see each other.... but well, i do not know that i am this worthy of your time... you waited for me there for about three hours... well i appreciate it a lot.... but i feel sorry for you... and i feel so valuable in turn.... hahaha...=)
i don't know that you are fund of making surprises.... you texted me with words having an unpleasant construction... but then in minutes, you're here in front of our gate calling my mom's attention....
"may surprise ako sayo..." that's what you said earlier this day.... but i never thought that you really meant what you have said... you really surprised me a lot.... actually this is the first time that i had such... from my eighteen years of living... (as far as i remember...) you just came from nowhere and then in just a snap we are on the table eating stuffs.... i had a lot of positive feedbacks going in here.... my mom always liked you... as if you really look so 'angelic'!!!!..... my sister-in-law also liked you because she said you look nice.... hahaha.... if they just know....(just kidding...)
well, what can i say... above all those people who made an impact on me starting earlier this day you are the only person who smashed it!!!..... hahaha... you're the best... i really idolize you... and you made an effort to bring me a gift... and i say this is the best gift ever.... that anyone have been given me... i repeat... "THE BEST!!!!" you really know what i want... and you are making me smile up to now... hahaha....=) when some one sees me they might think i am out of my mind... i really just can't believe you showed up... i never expected anything from you... you're really the BEST FRIEND i have ever had....
you completed my day... don't you know that?.... you are the biggest bang over those fireworks flashing above the sky!!!.... i can not think of any other words to define and explain what i am feeling right now.... what i know is that i just feel really happy... overwhelmed and like this is one of those very memorable birthdays ever happened in my life....
expect that i will forever treasure this gift that you have given me... i will make sure that no one even my niece can get this away from me....
that i will never ever attempt to exchange our friendship from any other stuffs in this world... may it be gold, silver, diamond or platinum.... nothing....
i will treasure this friendship FOREVER... always.... and up to the time when i still could....=)

.,eighteen at twenty-six......

.,"michaelangelo villegas angeles, malugod kitang binabati ngayong araw ng iyong kapanganakan. pagpalain ka nawa ng Diyos!..."- this is the very first message that i have received at 12:06:33 am.... haizzzz..... i always look at my phone every 2:00am or so... everytime... even during normal days... and this is the very first message that my heavy eyes have read... and then i smiled... "may bumati na pala sa akin..." hehehe... tsike... i appreciate your effort on waiting for that time to arrive.... thank you so much.... then as they say, the rest is now history.... i have received a lot of greetings through different mediums... and everything made my heart jump of its pericardial sac... there are a lot of greetings and a lot of things to do.... i do not always look at my phone to see who are those who 'remembers me...' and that is also the reason why i make a lot of issues with important people... (you know it, when the message is so important but then you can just read it at about 5 or six hours passed from the time that it was sent... or you have received it.... ) well i feel so sorry 'bout that...
know what? i just realized by now that it is also hard to have a wide circle of friends.... well, one disadvantage i have seen is that, i do not know to whom should i pay attention my attention first.. my high school friends?... or the present ones?.... i feel like i am being crushed between two huge pile of stones... i tell you guys, its really hard to be in between... i have made a commitment between my college friends earlier than any other groups.... but i felt guilty when i received the text greetings of my high school friends and bestfriends.... some says...
"nu bang balita dyan?..." ;
"happy birthday poh... san tau?..." ;
"happy birthday prend, mis u poh" ;
"oi wla ka bang plano nyan?bday e.."
and the most hurting and pressuring and very giultying one... came from my 'bestfrend'-
"kel zj 2. D2 q 101 hnhntay kta..." huwhhhhhhhaaaaaaattttttttt??????...... i was really shocked when i have read that text message.... what was the time?.... Oh My God!!! that was 03:21:59pm and i have just read it now.... its already 7:09pm.... that was about four hours ago?.... he waited for me.... huh!!!!..... i was so busy on entertaining my 'new' friends... that i have forgotten to take even a little peek on my 'ugly phone'..... i feel so guilty.... how dare i do that to him?.... even though it was not my intention i really felt so much guilt within me.... haizzzz. its my birthday!!!..... but i am not so happy about that thing that had happened.... 'mi companera' said... "magsori ka na lang... sabihin mo may klase ka tsaka busy ka kamu kanina..... kaya hindi mo nabasa...." which is all true.... i had to take a quiz for our last subject and then put so much attention on my friends.... i am not blaming them.... i am blaming myself.... what kind of a person am i?... haizzzz..... i really feel so sad about that thing.....
"sorry 'bestfrend'...." it has never been my intention to keep you waiting for nothing.....
i do not know if i am that worthy of your time.... and with all my heart....
"i am sincerely sorry...."

.,an abled disable....

.,haizz.... i wonder why the world we live in is not fair... i have been to bagac a few minutes ago.... and i was really happy to be there the fourth time around i think.... even though it is just me and mi anghel dela guardia, the time that we have spent there has been fun .... how can i be sad when every time i go there i do nothing but eat... eat and guess what more???.... EAT!!!!!!......=) (thanks tita edna....)
ok now back to the title....
the story happened during the 'departing time'... i, myself and anghel dela guardia waits for the Jeep to gather more passengers and make the vehicle 'full' so that we can go....
Manong: "Oh pakiabot na lang yung bayad nyo oh..."(can you just please pass on your fares...)
(mi anghel dela guardia gave our payment to manong...)
Manong: "estudyante?...." (students?)
Mi anghel dela guardia: "opo manong"... (yes manong)
A not so old lady heard that conversation and said....
Ale: "etong bayad, dalawang liang, isang balanga...."(here's our payment two passengers going to liang and one to balanga....) the NSOL gave a hundred pesos and the conductor asked for an additional six pesos...
Ale2: "magkano ho ba hanggang liang?...." (how much is the fare to liang?...)
Manong: "beinte otso ho isa... 56 kayong dalawa tapos isang balanga 50...." (28pesos each, 56pesos for the two of you and 50 pesos for the other lady...)
Ale: "estudyante eah..."... (the other one is a student...)
and she looked at me upon saying those words to manong... what is that thing that she wants to imply?.... well, it is not my problem anymore.... i paid for my part.... and we are recognized as students because we are in our uniform... and the girl that she was talking about is on a civilian outfit... so it won't be valid...=) hahahaha....lols....
while we are waiting there all things are just in a normal condition... but not when this entity showed up having a non typical 'getlook'.... yes... he's the one that i am pertaining to in the title.... he is a disabled man on a wheel chair... i do not know what was the reason why he went to a far off place having no one with him.... his legs are like a rotten vegetable... with no definite support... it sways as he climbs his way through the Jeep....
it is like, the clocked has stopped ticking for all the people in there... as in all the people waiting for another trip to balanga.... they are all merely looking at the disabled human being like it is the only time that they have seen one.... what those people don't know is that some other observant individuals also look at them waiting for their reactions.... i do not know what are those that they feel during that time... all i know is that they are looking at that 'fighter' with all those 'judging' eyes....
good thing for that individual, he was helped by the conductor on climbing his way up to his seat.... near the door...
Fighter: "salamat po manong, salamat... eto pong bayad ko... magkano ba hanggang balanga?..." (thank you so much mister... thank you.... here's my fare... how much is it?...)
he was asked to pay just forty pesos coz he is a disabled citizen... and thanks for the consideration of the conductor.... and he did not stop saying 'thank you' to those concerned individuals who helped him up to the time when he already need to get down the vehicle.... even if he does not get even a single 'welcome' he continuously says thank you to every one....
i was really touched by that man's condition... i am walking with my two feet with my legs all functional.... but at times i make indifferent or negative comments when i feel so tired from walking... his condition made me realize how blessed am i to have all my body parts working or functioning well.... that there are things we posses which in most times- not appreciated... that we, on our every day life should be thankful about all the things that we have and be contented on it.... rather than to seek for those things that we can classify as a 'better' one which in turn can disregard those important little details we posses....

.,love this...

.,archieaddict....

.,how will i call myself?.... archieaddict?.... hahaha.... i am having a senseless listening marathon of his songs.... as in all of it!... those that's in his album.... hahaha.... i love all the songs i have heard... of course i already know how 'crush' goes... then angels, my hands, barriers, touch my hand, running, you can, desperate, don't let go is now playing.... hahaha... i love the intro.... i don't know if its lively... can't figure it out.... hahaha... just listening... not so much getting myself into it now.... hahaha.... i also love running.... the chorus... (alright guys I'm trying hard....=) David can sing all kinds of songs... he's not just a ballad singer.... he's fantastic... yes, say it!!! i am a BIG fan....
ok guys on my birthday i will be whole heartily thankful if anyone can buy his album and give it to me as a gift.... hahaha just kidding....( hei jokes are half meant...=)
oh its waiting for yesterday now playing.... and its cute.... well, i am not gonna skip any songs here...
tired of reading all about archuleta?.... huh... lol... this is all about him... this is just the first time i talked about him here...
well, so much about the songs... why do i like archie?.... well aside from he sings really great, my first impression to him is that.... he looks like matt dallas... (know him?) 'kyle'.... he's like the younger version.... (of which i am also a fan....) his songs are beautiful... actually i like him more than the other David... i also like the other David but i love archie better....(huh?...) lol... somebody out there now playing... lol... this song is also cute....the song goes like... "there's somebody out there, somebody somewhere to show you the tenderness you need... somebody to hold you when worries control you... I'd give anything if only you knew it was me...." nice song right?.... i recommend you try to listen at the full song...
i heard To be with you a while ago... and i also love it... yes, yes i love all the songs...lol... a beautiful intro.. "I've been alone so many nights now and I've been waiting for the stars to fall.... i keep holding out for what i don't know... to be with you... just to be with you... so here i am staring at the moon tonight... maybe you're somewhere thinkin' about me too.... " and when you're standing here in front of me that's when i know that God does exist cause He will answer every single prayer to be with you... just to be with you.... you...."
that's the songs.... off now... time for me to eat lunch.... my heart is full, but my stomach is aching...lols... =)

go, go, archieaddict...=)

.,archie marathon....

.,the very first time i've heard this song... it made my heart beat so fast... that even my brain can not control the overflowing of emotions.... hahaha.... that is why they called me 'emongelo' for once.... call it drama... call me weird.... but tears really came out from these weary eyes.... (ahhhh....) i really love the songs of archuleta... and i don't care what other people might say.... and his voice, its really enchanting... always sings a very heart felt song....(of course those ballads... and love songs....=) i also do love 'Falling' a very heart warming song... and good lyrics... "there could be something more to what my life may have in store... keep on pressing through to the end..." (just heard...=) here's you can... the first song i've heard...

David Archuleta - You Can Lyrics

Mmmmm
Take me where I've never been
Help me on my feet again
Show me that good things come to those who wait
Tell me I'm not on my own
Tell me I won't be alone
Tell me what I'm feeling isn't some mistake
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Baby, when you look at me
Tell me what do you see
Are these the eyes of someone you could love?
'Cause everything that brought me here
Well, not it all seems so clear
Baby, you're the one that I've been dreaming of
If anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love

Only you can take me sailing in your deepest eyes
Bring me to my knees and make me cry
And no one's ever done this
Everything was just a lie and I know, yes, I know

This is where it all begins
So tell me it will never end
I can't fool myself, it's you and no one else

If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I'll just pretend
'Cause if anyone can make me fall in love, you can

Show me that good things come to those who wait....

.,thinkin'....

.,it's just less than a week and i still don't know if i can celebrate it.... well, my friends already know why....
in life, there are things that won't work if it isn't meant to... and as my 'bestfrend' said... "things...will not always go... the way we want it..." haizzzz.....
i do not know what to do... i feel so selfish and self-centered, and hei (friends with benefits what is it?...) oh a 'bitch'.. hahaha.... i was just like a social larvae... am i a good friend?.... well, honestly i think not... neither do they know... i know, i know... jokes are half meant right?... but i really just can't see even a single ray of light in this total darkness... no preparations, no celebration.... only plans... how i wish that it wouldn't be just plans.... ahhh... i feel so out of my element... and just wished to be struck by anything at anytime now... haizzzz.... is this all that i can do?... sigh... i don't know if I'd regret the choice i have made... the self- benefit, opposite friendship...well i think its just right to give some to myself... i will be at the legal age four or five days from now... and i do not feel happy nor overjoyed or jumping off my feet... i am bothered by all the things that is happening... and those that might happen soon... do i have to feel sorry?... in some ways i think, yes... but generally?... na-ah... i just have to look at it the better way..
this is just a test... and only i... know if i'd reach the passing rate... hahaha...
Happy 18th Birthday Me!!!!!!....=)

.,parting time?....

.,it was a sad and a lonely, rainy day... i was walking down an empty road which is so dark that anyone who passes by won't even recognize who i am.... and what i do.... some might even think i am out of my mind....or i'm crazy... i was slowly walking having nothing but myself... i, alone.... i am now fully wet... (no wonder, it rains and i don't have any protection....) tears fell down as i continuously walk near a very memorable place.... it is the place that we have dreamt of having.... that was, when she's still here.... and we're happy....

i love her very much... that i am so willing to do anything that i can for her... i have never thought of losing that special someone with me... that our love for each other might fade....''i remember the days when you're here with me... those laughters and tears we shared for years.... mem'ries that we had for so long its me and you... now you've gone away you left me all alone...." your memories keeps on haunting my mind.. i am trying to move on but i think it is so hard to restart...

"go on, do what you want... but please don't leave me you'll break my heart....hey what should i do? babe i'm missing you..." and then its the chorus...." i don't wanna lose you girl i need you back to me... i don't wanna lose you baby can't you see...." that song... i have heard someone sing that song before.... but i don't remember that person's identity... i feel so empty... my life feels so incomplete.... "i wish someday you'll be back home... coz i really miss you darling... please come home...." those were the last lines that i have heard her sang.... and it hit my heart so deeply... i wondered where i was... i don't know... i am really out of the real world... i am fantasizing of a thing that was not mine.... a thing that can never really be mine.... a thing that i wished was mine....

"Hoy angelo!!!.... aba tanghali na!!!.... alas sais na anong oras ka pa papasok?..." that's my mom.... malelate napala 'ko....

.,baliw...

Baliw

Dahan dahang lumalakad

Katawa'y nagsusugat

Mabato'ng daan, mainit,

Nag-aapoy, nagngangalit...

Tinatahak bawat hakbang,

Patuloy na naglalakbay...

Nagwawari kung nasaan

Patutunguha'y di alam...

Saglit lamang at nagdilim,

parating na ang takip-silim.

Hilahod na't gumagapang,

Kumikirot pa'ng kalamnan...

Walang nais na tumulong,

Ako lamang ang naroon...

Laging ganoon nag-iisa,

Walang nais na sumama...

Sino ako? Ako'y tao...

Iba nga sa paningin n'yo.

Mapanghusga itong mundo,

Saan pa ko patutungo?

Pagmamahal ay di alam,

Pagtitiwala'y naparam...

Mga pangarap nawaglit,

Di na alm san sisingit...

Bigla na lamang nag-amok,

Nag himutok ron sa sulok...

nakanti ng mga tambay,

Hindi na nakagulapay...

Bumabawi ng hininga,

Hingal na't iika-ika...

Katawa'y hapong-hapo na...

Bumagsak na't nagpahinga...

Pilit idinidilat yaring mga mata...

Ngunit saglit lamang, at tuluyan itong nag-sara...

Sa 'king mga huling sandali,

Luha lamang itong sukli...

.,nothing....

.,what the heck.... i don't know what are those things that i do need to say.... hahaha... is there such things as that?... well i'll just post a better one when i have my own "dream gadget" with me....hahaha... ('effect' says my only human friend/partner...) huh!?.... whatever!!!..... promise i'll post a more interesting blog next time... this was just an accident blog.... i have done an official thing right now....
c yah....=)

.,we're good....=) and i'm happy....

,hai... i can say that this is in this times the best semestral break i have ever had.... hahaha.... i have made a lot of memories with my bestest friends.... (way back since high school....)
i spent about three fourths or i think almost 85% of my free times with them.... it started last Saturday... like the old times in their house.... it is really the best time i have ever had.... and i never expected that it was gonna be repeated not only once or twice.... but three consecutive days... and the most memorable one is the time when the three of us all alone have been together for the first time after a year.... and now i can truly say that we are all fine...=) we have moved on.... we already buried the past to its rightful place....
this is the best sembreak because this is the first time that some things first happened....
we are now matured enough... i can say....
the guy and i have eaten breakfast together for the first time...and guess what?... his treat!... hahaha...that is a new thing after all....we went to the house of the girl together, just the two of us.... we attended the acquaintance party of the acsbc (an association for scholars....) and as i expected, hahaha... it is just him whom i have made a bond with... again...
i and the girl on the 2nd day of the week went to an arcade... and we played games.... a lot.... and of course its my treat.... (at the wonderpark) it has been a long time ago since we last did that together just for fun.... and i really missed that.... she sang at the videoke.... and we played and played games since our last token was gone.... hahaha....we went to the birthday party of our classmate and we bathe at the rush of the rain on our way home... hahaha... we are like kids having fun there....
i have waited for a year for those things to happen again... and now i am happy that we are "back"....
we are the bestest friends more than before....
i am looking forward to make more good memories with them... there is no relationship that i have now which can replace the one i am having with those individuals... and how i wish that i can be able to build the strongest relationship no entities can ever break....

.,matters...

.,lots of things keeps running through my mind... there are so many stuffs and issues which bothers me and I don't know where to start... all are serious matters and all of them seems to be so hard to handle...
==
....well it has been more than two weeks i think... i have been waiting for a text message from someone... i do not know what is that i have done wrong... i am falling apart... i don't know... if that thing really happens well, i can say i am so weak.... i do not know but it always shows up through my mind... every night i think of those things that possibly made that person 'forget' that i still exist... whoo.... it really makes me feel so bothered... a lack of communication really weakens a relationship....

(another..)
....hei... every day, every night i always remember to send some one a quote just for that person to reply even a blank text message... hell that thing.... i really do not expect anything from that person but the truth is i really do.... hai......

==
....it has been a week ago and upto now since i have started to spent my own money with school stuffs without getting any support from my parent...(just one) hoooo.... i am blaming no one but heck... i still have a celebration to prepare for.... i am quite selfish i know coz i just think of myself... but it's their responsibility... not mine... nor other people's....
my "bestfriend" rejected the help that i am proposing to give to him... i was quite offended but i know him... he will surely choose not to receive any monetary amount from me even if he knows that i am the only person that time who can really help him.... he also have that some kind of pride with him... amd that was the time when i realized how silly it was to have that kind of thing on that type of situation.... we have been together for almost 4years now...(i did not include that 1year...=) but he still feels that it might seem to be like he's taking advantage of what i have....(its just my opinion...) a lot of problems are facing him right now... and he's sharing it with me.... i feel quite happy coz he's trusting me with those kinds of stuffs... but what hurts me is that i am whole heartedly trying to give what i can and still i just received a rejection...

=
....two days ago i went at my grand fathers house located just across the street to take his BP for the second time and to check if it has gone lower than my previous reading.... good thing it lowered down evenly.... but i am still bothered that he might again have a higher BP.... my cousin just eloped about two or three days i think.... she went away with his current boyfriend and my aunt and uncle do not know where she is right now.... she's two months older than me... but i felt really sad for her.... my grandfather told me at once...."tanga siya... nagpauto siya sa lalake... ang sarap sarap mag aral...." (she's so dumb... she let her boy friend fool her.... isn't it so good to study{to be at school?}.... i felt like i was strucked ny lightning when i heard all those hurting words that he said... i am not used to hearing 'bad words' because my parents never really used those words to me & my brothers.... i felt really sad and i am worried about the situation of my dearest cousin right now.... she's the closest one to me compared to my other cousins.... but what kind of a person am i not be able to do anything during those times.... and i am thinking that i might have been the last person to know that.... huh.... am i of no value?....

==
.... i do not tell any one that i am having these kinds of problems... coz i know they are having their own struggles right now... and i do not want to be added up to those.... i just don't want to....
i do not know where to start... to start solving those equations laid before me.... i think i can't do it my way.... i do not know lots of things.... i don't talk about important things with other people.... i am selfish.. i am rude.... i am a worthless person.... i am saying this now because i am really sinking down this muddy path that i have chosen to take.... and it really bothers me a lot....


what ever these things causes me i will surely not give up the fight.... i am strong enough now to face these challenges.... after all.... It is not only I who will face this battle.... I will surely meet some one in the course of this fight... to help me win things out.... and be the entity He created me to be....

.,a month ago...

.,that was already a month ago.... and this is what happened...
(FLASHBACK...)

.,this is such a day... well, it did fine... but the last parts are the best!...
I have waited over so long for that thing to happen... Sept. 20 '08, 12:50am...
this is the day that i have been waiting to happen... happy to see my friends, such a mem'table experience... i have never expected those things could happen... I felt a little unhappy at first but it was a save... whew...
Former and the latter... a little jealous at times...haha... Joke!... I am really happy to close a part of that 'topic' and it is already done... We talked about lots of stuffs that we should have during that year or less... "sorry" and that is what i have said... I wasted so much times just doing nothing... I've wanted to say more but humble as the former is to say... "no, sorry 'coz it's all my fault"... This is what i loved about 'f' that this person doesn't know how to forget what we have made together... 'a unique bond'... that was i think 10-15minutes talk... and i know that it won't take a lot longer even if i want to... if i can just stop the time... i'll make it extend 'til forever... but sorry for me.. coz i can't... that is an incomplete conversation... we could have talked about more things when we still have the time. well, i know there will be... i need to exert more efforts to fill a lot of emptied spaces... we're close enough yet, still far... I don't know if i can make it up to 'f' but i know there are lots of ways to... I just wish that we could be given the right time... and i asks, "when do you think that would be?..."

(BACK TO PRESENT...)

that was really a memorable day for me... i always feel a different spark when i am with that person... well that was for that day... everything changes... but some stays the same... well whereever category i may be i know that life goes on.... that 'every today' will always be a part of another 'yesterday'...

.,diversity...

.,from the start of the day, while the sun slowly rushes up to the clouds, different entities started to come my way...
i woke up a little early yesterday... my clock read 4:50 in the morning and i tell you its no joke... my eyes do want to shut but then it will be a sin if they will.. I went to the market with my dad, my older brother gave us a ride up to the main road... then we rode a bus going to our destination... (it's Balanga v/v Olongapo...)
From there, I've seen a lot of different individuals... each with their own Businesses... seating in front of us is a nursing student... How did I know?... hahaha... ask me how... of course she's wearing that full white uniform with that collar and buttons in... those silly stockings which always shows some skin.... (yah know it!...=) I can feel her exhaustiveness maybe coming from that 10-6 duty... She fell asleep on the hand rails just when the bus conductor was ready to collect the fair... on my left side is an old lady... i don't know where she's going but i heard her say... 'talipapa' (wet market) she's carrying a lot of stuffs... maybe her goods to sell... she's i think too old for her work... I pity those who do not deserve what they have... She paid for the fair and said " wag na, wag mo na akong suklian..." (no, that's alright.. just keep the change...) just when the conductor is going to give her her change... At the back of the driver's seat is a mother and son tandem... I wondered where they are going 'coz the mother wears a Sunday dress and the son on a high school uniform... Yes it is still school day, as a matter of fact it is just Thursday... and then arriving at their pit stop, that's just the time when I realized, they are going to submit their faith ... my father whispered to me... "huwebes nga pala ngayon... muntik ko na makalimutan... ( I almost forgot... It's Thursday today...) the entities I am talking about are 'Iglesia ni Cristo" they are having their mass every Thursday and the time i know is 5:30 Am... We are getting slose to our destination when a girl looked at me directly in the eye... I don't know maybe i have a dirt within the surface of my face... hahaha...=) and then we bid goodbye... Arriving at the market, we rode a tricycle to lessen our tiresome... The driver is a joker fat man... I do not know but I can't ride with that entity's personality... we are really just different... (even though he's my uncle...)
At the market, I got caught with the conversation of another mother and son duo... I just heard "200?... anuh yon!!... Lahat nga sila naka maroon tapos ako naka pula!..."(200pesos?... what is this?... they {maybe his friends} all are wearing maroon {shirts} and then me in red?...) The son shouting at his mom... He's younger than me... i know it because we study at the same school when I was elementary... His mom Just said nothing but i know she's hurt... Her son walked out of the scene with his mom following him... I do not know what was that specific reaction I had... Probably because I was just shocked... he was talking about a shirt maybe that he wants to buy for a certain occasion... I don't know where...
that situation made me look back at myself... and made me think How do I do?... (as a son, a student, a servant of God, As me, myself... and I...
There are Different individuals living in our world... and i know that every one of them is diverse or shall i say unique on their own simple ways... I do not know them but i know; by their words, their actions, what they wear, or even how they look at me... they can all be easily defined...
I always say this... i got this from a television show... 'Every one in this world is a plain VAGABOND......' just waiting to be explored to... Diversity... each and every entity is different and in their own ways...Unique through their own simple ways....

.,home...

.,it has been two days and one night when i have been away from home... i feel really happy coz for the first time my parents allowed me to go to a far off place... hahhaa...=) away from the city...
It was really nice to be back home... last night i felt little teardrops falling from my eyes... while lying down my bed... i missed my pillows(they're five..=) and my own room having no one to share it with.... (a little selfish...=) hahaha... seriously speaking... i missed my mom and my dad with that two days... i just came home last night after our last touch at the sea water... and it was fun... i really felt like i am really loved...=)
with that two days i can say that we have made cool bonds with each other... doing lots of different stuffs... sleeping together in just one room with several beds... i am really proud of my group... we have survived a huge struggle... atlast... we're done... and we're all fine with each other... we are all friends... and that's why i am really proud of us... coz' i think the other groups haven't made that kind of special bond our group have made.... we've eaten meals together using bare hands... and taking shoots together having just pure fun...
The beach... the sea was really calming... and it is very inviting... i love the cold waves... the beautiful sunset that we are able to see during that last day... it was really amusing... that was my first time to be able to see the beautiful wonders of nature... god's creations... and i am really thankful for that experience.... i have picked up some sea shells just for additional memories and remembrances... they're cute... and i will never forget that place...
I was wrong for that first impression... i really was... well that is the time when i proved to myself that he is not that hard to be with... that he can be a good brother too... and i was really guilty then thinkin' of those things that i have thought of him... he's nice... it's just that we sometimes misinterpret his attitude... hahaha...=) i know other people who thinks that he's more of just a man... a boss... i think we just need to adjust for him to fit... hahaha... well i'm serious... with that bond we've made... those times we've shared... he really is a well man...

i hope that those times can again happen... with different individuals... with other friends... and my family.... and to other people... don't waste time...start making memories... make good bonds...=) (and don't trust first impressions...=)

.,early christmas?....

snow...=) just nothing... hahaha...=)

.,Frozen fried potato french fries (with ketchup=)...

.,well, i am a month old here now... and i say that this is really a wonderful idea... this blog of mine... i can tell whatever i do want to say without offending others(that's what i think and it's just my point of view=) a lot of things happened for these past few days or for the past month shall i say... but yesterday was my very disastrous day... yes... it is our final examination on two major subjects... i have reviewed my notes fairly enough but i don't know what had caused me to fail myself... i know i can do better than that... it's just that i do not really expect the questions to be asked on those examinations... i don't expect good results actually... 'coz i don't want to... not that i am being silly or nega but hei... who can be confident with that hour-long examination with a hundred and fifty items on the test paper and you having only about 50 or 60 sure shot answers.... whew....
Let's go to the other one... huh.... another disappointment for me... alright it's a hundred items-examination and 50% of the points came from that vaccines whatever... uh.... i have not reviewed that, even though we are told to memorize all those... Is the problem really within me?... well, i think so... study habits... laziness..., no one to blame but i, myself... hoo... am i allowed to cry?... huhuhu.... that's alright... (huh?)... i need to get high grades next semester... i really need to.... i need to get that academic scholarship for the second time... i say i'm an average student... not below nor on top...(humble?).... hahaha.... well, as one of my classmate/friend said..."Yung iba dun hindi naman talaga matatalino...." (some of those individuals aren't reall that smart...) "masisipag lang sila mag aral tsaka hindi sila kagaya natin..." (It's just that, they are studying harder than we do...) and then she laughs and added... "babawi na lang ako sa third year..." (I'll be better next year... when we are already on level three...) of course i will also defend mysely... and so i said... "ok na sa'kin ung maging topnotcher sa board exam... hahaha...=) ( well, it's not bad if I'll be a topnotcher on the board exam...) and then i laughed... ambitious?... i don't think so... there's nothing wrong with dreaming right?... so DREAM BIG... TRUST IN YOURSELF... and most importantly, HAVE FAITH IN GOD...=) that's the spirit... Go Guys...

(dedicated to all BSN-2A a.y. '08-'09 BPSU-BC, Bataan, Philippines.... still moving... second sem.=)

.,try to view this page...

.,http://www.ourchurch.com/view/?pageID=97855...

.,to you..=) friend...=)

.,hey even if you cannot read this bulletin I'll still post this for you....
that was such a great day for me...
i do not always go to beaches and other far away places.... but then through your place i got out of this Smokey city...
and i am very grateful that you gave us the permission to stay there overnight... this is the first time that i am gonna be away from home... but I'm not sad.... the truth is that i am really happy... for this is the first time that i am gonna be experiencing a new stuff... hahaha.... i am really happy and i do not know how to further express what i feel right now....
thank God you are one of my group mate... i am looking forward to make memories with each and everyone of you guys.... alrighty then... no bitterness.... i said 'everyone....'=)
(posted on friendster bulletin board...)

.,birthdays....

.,a lot of celebrants... a lot of money to be spent.... a lot of people to meet.... a lot of everything this week.... isn't it hard to have so many friends?.... huh?..... what are you talking about?.... yes sometimes it is.... i am having a hectic schedule these past few days.... truth?.... i really wonder how i have dealt with all of those stuffs.... hahaha...=) (or shall i say 'we'?...) studies and extra personal activities just happens.... and sometimes i am thinking to give up some other things.... not all are happy ones... but i am not saying that most are 'disasters'?..... (study literature....) hahaha.... do i mean what i say?.... i do not really know.... it's just that things do not go the way we want it... there are always hindrances to block our path.... and all those bumps that are laid on ways.... hai.... i just can't help but ask God 'why'?.... i really do not know how to pass through lifes tunnels if i am not with Him.... all His guidance are the ones making me continue.... i just hope to reach the destination with all the good things captured.... and left those evil things behind....

Matthew 21:22
"if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer..."

.,jealousy...=)

"Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind. "
.,what a word?.... does this mean anything?.... hai... i wish i am never the one i am right now.... hahahaha.....=) kidding... i don't know but i am getting jealous of somethings.... about things that i have never felt before... all the in the world is a plain vagabond... they just travel by and by.... i do not know what had caused me to feel this way... on the first place i have nothing to hold on to... to prove to anyone anything... Huh?.... got that?.... hahaha... yes i feel jealous... but not so much... i am not in a relationship where in i do have a great access... yah know it... well, this is what i feel and i am a human being... this is just normal right?.... well just do not cross the line.... hahaha.... i get jealous but i do not really know why.... does it mean that i am really loving or what?.... i do not trust myself... i think that's it...? i have so many things to do and yet i am thinking of unworthy things.... of selfless feelings.... right?....

mood swings... these are the ones i am having.... i do not know how to control this.... i am holding me... i must know how.... there are a lot of things that happened during these past few days.... i do not know if those are really meant to happen but i believe that we have surpassed all of those.... today is a new day.... i am thinking to give her up.... or to stay.... hei.... i won't.... we still have a long way to go.... and where ever the wind goes i will follow.... i will not give up.... i will fight and try to get rid of this thing that is within me right now.... this damn thing... that makes my world sink.... hahaha...=) i seem to be happy but i am not..... sometimes i show what i feel to those who are affecting me.... hei i don't want to be plastic.... just want to be real... this is me.... what can i do?.... i don't want to hide to people what i really do feel....
i still have so much time to think of stuffs.... (to think things out....) whatever!!!..... que sera sera....

.,guess what?... friends?....bestfriends?...

.,i never expected those lines.... we are just friends.... hahaha.... i never thought that that is what that person thinks of us.... well, i cannot do anything about that.... its that persons idea of our relationship.....
well its alright i already now have a new best friend...hahaha.... and it is officially declared i think yesterday?.... hahaha... i dont kno... it is just a joke... i think... hahaha...=0 what if ?.... ahhh.... they are playing jokes about it.... and i do not know if i am striked by their whimpy dimpy something on us.... well its just nothing... for her.... i am like that to any other girls.... well, thats what she thinks.... hahaha....=)
good luck.... BESTFREND!!!!!...... hahahaha...=)

.,a new month, still old times....

.,maraming mga maling bagay na ako na ginawa na sa una ay inakala kong tama. Dumating ang ilang pagkakataon na napagtanto ko rin na mali nga ito. Lumipas ang isang araw, sumapit sa isang linggo, hindi ko mawari kung bakit, ngunit nagawa ko ulit ito. Sa ikalawang pagkakataon, nagkamali na naman ako... tila ba wala akong natutunan mula sa aking nakaraan... akala ko noon mahusay ako, perpekto, at walang kapantay. ngunit paulit-ulit na lang ba?.... hanggang saan ba ang hangganan?.... kailan matatapos ang pagdating ng kakulangan?.... hindi buoang katauhan, animo ako'y nadadarang.. walang makapantay sa bawat kong dahilan, walang makahadlang pagkat sila'y walang alam...
kilala ba ninyo ako? o sadyang nabubulagan lamang kayo?.... nabubulagan sa liwanag na nakatakip sa aking harapan... hindi lahat ng simula agad darating sa katapusan, hindi ko alam ngunit ako'y nahihirapan. ano bang nagaganap na hindi ko nalalaman, paulit-ulit dumarating, ngunit ang bunga'y ganoon pa rin. hindi nababago, walang mapagtanto... Sino ba ako?.... Isang tao, isang nilalang... mula saan?... hindi ko alam....
Isang parusa nga siguro kaya magulo ang buhay ko...
Ako'y hindi bulag ngunit wala akong makita. Kahit na isang sulyap sa daang tahak na. madilim ang lugar ngunit may katiting na liwanag, kumukurap, sumusulyap, unti-unti nababakas...
Bukas, oo bukas... sisikat na naman ang araw ngunti lumalamlam ang liwanag... ang hiwaga ng pagkatao walang kongkreto, hindi buo. patuloy akong naglalakad ngunit hindi makatapak, dumidiretso kahit walang naririnig... malapit na ako, nararamdaman ko, ngunit parang ang layo pa rin, oh sadyang lumalayo?....
ilang beses na rin na ako'y nadapa, ngunit patuloy pa rin sa maling ginagawa... lalakad, tatakbo, diretso- walang hinto... Magpapatuloy hanggat hindi nasusugatan sa pagkakadapa.... Saan ba ang posisyon ko?.... wala akong alam kahit ano....
Hindi alam hanggang kailan, paano, o hanggang saan?.... matatagpuan kaya ang tamang daan? oh maliligaw nang kung saan....

.,one day- isang araw....

.,labag man sa aking kalooban ngunit kinakailangan talaga na maganap ang bagay na ito ngaung panahong kasalukuyan.... hindi ko talaga ito gusto.... wala lamang akong ibang pagpipilian....
hindi ko makuhang magalit.... siguro nga masyado akong mabait.... hindi ako pumapatol masyado sa mga taong walang ibang intensyon kundi ang magmalaki at tanghalin ang sarili na nakahihigit kaysa sa iba.... (patawarin na ako ng nasa itaas ngunit ako'y tao, napupuno rin.... at kailangan maglabas ng sama ng loob....) nakalulungkot isipin na ang mga bagay ngayon sa aking buhay ay hindi tumatakbo ayon sa aking mga kagustuhan.... nakapanglulumo lamang na isipin ang mga bagay na ganito... kasalanan ko ba?..... wala naman akong masamang ginagawa.... hindi ko alam kung bakit ganun ang pakikitungo niya sa mga taong hindi ko alam kung ano... pinipilit kong makisama sa halos lahat ng uri ng tao.... yung mga taong ngayon ko lamang nakakahalubilo.... hindi siya marunong makiramdam.... hindi naman kami dumadaan sa madaling mga bagay.... gayunpaman inaasahan ko na rin kahit na papaano na mangyayari rin ang ganitong bagay.... pagsubok ang bawat araw na dumadating.... walang kasiguruhan kung ano ang naghihintay para sa akin.... hindi lahat nagtatagumpay sa bawat nilang hangarin pero patuloy pa rin sila sa kanilang paglalakbay..... paano ba mabuhay na ang mga bagay na nakapaligid sa iyo ay hindi mo hawak?..... kahapon nakapanood ako ng isang dokumentaryo.... tungkol iyon sa mga taong namuno sa isang mahinang bansa.... mahina nga ba?.... hindi ko alam.... at ayoko nang palawigin pa ang mga bagay ukol doon.... nakakapagbukas ng isip.... ayos lang sa akin na ganoon.... marahil nga ay naging malaking tulong talaga ang pagiging kristiyano ko ngayon.... unti unti.... kahit na maliliit na hakbang.... tumutuloy ako.... dahan dahan.... walang pakialam.... napakarami ng mga bagay ngayon na bumabagabag sa aking isipan.... hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit.... naliligaw na naman ba ako?.... oh sadya akong lumalayo?..... paano ko ba haharapin ang bawat bukas na naghihintay sa akin..... napaka raming pagsubok.... napakaraming mga bagay na dapat gawin.... hindi ko alam kung magtatagumpay rin ba ako?.....
sana lang maintindihan nya yung mga bagay na kailangan talaga naming gawin.... sana lang talaga huwag naman siyang maging masyadong makasarili.... isipin man lamang niya yung ga tao na naka paligid sa kaniya.... oo mahina nga ako.... pero may tiwala ako sa Diyos.... ayokong sabihin na wala akong pakialam sa nararamdaman niya pero alam ko na sa bagay na yun may kasalanan pa rin ako kahit papaano..... sabi ko kanina "lumubog na ako...., hukayin nyo ako ulit...." nung mga panahong iyon talaga wala akong naiisip kundi ang pagkakalibing ng buhay.... (hindi sa literal na pananalita).... ngunit talagang nasaktan pa rin ako kahit iniisip ko na ayos lang iyon.... napakaraming dapat na gawin.... hindi ko alam kung papaano ko pagkakasyahin ang manipis kong katawan sa mas makitid pang daan.... paano nga ba?>.... Diyos ko tulungan Mo po ako..... hindi po ako karapatdapat ngunit hinihiling ko po na sana lang maging maayos ang lahat.... naniniwala po ako sa Unang Corinto 10:13.... ngayon ko lamang ito mababanggit dito.... 1Corinthians 10:13 Wala pang pagsubok na dumating sa inyo na hindi dinanas ng lahat ng tao, Tapat ang Diyos at hindi Niya ipahihintulot na kayo'y subukin ng higit sa inyong makakaya.... sa halip, pagdating ng pagsubok, bibigyan Niya kayo ng lakas upang mapagtagumpayan iyon....
lumuluwag na rin ang aking pakiramdam ngayon.... medyo maayos na.... ngunit medyo mahirap pa rin kalimutan.... bukas bagong araw na ba?.... ano nang naghihintay sa akin?.... hindi ko ito gustong isipin pero nagaganap.... basta bukas.... bago na ang araw.... hindi na yung ngayon oh kaya nung nakaraan.... Diyos na lang ang huhusga.... iniiwan ko na sa kaniya ang pagpapasya.... marami pang araw.... marami pang darating.... at patuloy akong maghihintay....

.,pressure...

.,this is a night....=?

.,a week ago...

.,It has been a week ago since I have posted my last blog.... I told you I was some kind of a hero volunteer for our intramural.... mwahahahaha...=) that's the term.... it was a very busy week for me.... and for my other classmates of course... but i don't want to compare works.... I wanted to post some blogs here but hey is that possible when there is no time available for me to do so... hahahaha..... I leave home at about eight or nine in the morning and stay at school for about 16hours straight.... doing volunteer works and at the same time checking out some things on our wellness unit (which was a success)...D*h.... I think the only thing that I can remember during the Intramural is that the day when I was totally haggard.... as in.... that was friday, I woke up looking for those Identification cards that I have photocopied.... and I was looking for nothing.... (gosh they're lost...) can't find them anywhere.... and here goes my friends who continuously texted me.... and yes I asked for some help.... I really prayed for those so much... and God is so good that he gave my friends to me... really.... they are heaven sent.... (ok, ok... just some...) hahaha.... my session mates ms.m and ms.g(monosodium glutamate!?....) and mi anghel dela guardia and the one...(yah know that....) oops thanks to joaqs... a lot.... hahaha.... that was such a day.... hahaha.... ofcourse, pastora.... how can I forget.... a blessing.... hahaha.... (hey I really can't find 'H' and 'G'.... ) hahaha... back to the topic.... yes they helped me finished those things.... thanks really to them.... hahaha...=) and to God of course.... thanks.... after that was the work, work and work.... the last day of the intramurals.... whoo.... we survived.... a lot of people... all different from each other all I found on that concert day..... I don't want to think of it..... hai.... I got home about one in the a.m. and hey that was the sixth time that I have done it..... and I thought that it was going to be the end.... hahaha.... well not.... there is still a tomorrow.... its a debut of a friend.... and I am going to talk about that later..... just need to find some friends right now on fs..... and this is what being a volunteer means.... "patience, energy, and time...." after?..,... of course... pain... and rest....

.,intramurals...

.,the clock reads five minutes past twelve in the midnight... well what is special about this day that I cannot even fall to sleep even if I feel a little exhausted (hey, haven't I repeated these words a thousand times!?)...
I went to school at about quarter to nine in the morning, it's one of my friend's birthday yesterday and he did not even showed up.... I don't know why... well, he said he won't come to school so my expectations were a lot limited, though I still wish that he will show up anytime that day...(but sorry... he did no, as i said earlier...) This day is not that heavy enough compared to what I did last Monday and Tuesday... well, I think this is the line of the week... "I feel exhausted"...
Start... I am working as an agent for our "wellness unit" wherein the forces of the first two sections of the second level-BSN is combined..... Others do massage(whole/part), some foot spa, manicure, pedicure, and we offer board games, music, art making, and then asking them to fill up a "research paper" that we are conducting together with/ thereafter the service... While we, as agents look for clients that will be provided by their chosen services... We look for individuals all around the campus...., hey, it is so tiring because of all the campuses of our "university" our campus is the largest in terms of land area(hahaha... people... It's an irony...) Thank God I have lots of connections with the other courses in our University and also, I have a lot of self confidence stored inside of me... Hahahaha....=) and that is for that part....

New addition to this blog is the so called 'former' hahaha... (is this also an irony!?...) we had our lunch together.... of course I paid for it... I need to pay some debts... haha.... It has been a long time since this thing happened.... I think about a year ago... We talked about lots of stuffs with regards to each other.... (I told you we haven't talked to each other for about one year... and yes its my fault...) know what i asked 'former' a question... "kilala pa ba kita!?.... (do I still know you!?....) and 'former' answered Oo naman, hindi naman ako nagbago...) (of course yes, I haven't changed since then....) I was not looking at zpg's face when he said that coz' i don't want to see that person's facial expression... I don't know.... and I answered back immediately.... "ako hindi mo na 'ko kilala...." ( You do not know much of me now....) zpg asked "panung hindi na kita kilala!?....(nagbago ka na ba!?.... Have you changed!?.... -something like that.... zpg wants to elaborate my answer....) coz' yes, I made it quite a little suspensive... hahaha..(what a word....)
I am right when I said that I do not know who he is already... really... I missed a lot of times.... well... that's really it.... where are regrets made for!?.... It always comes after the end....