.,matters...

.,lots of things keeps running through my mind... there are so many stuffs and issues which bothers me and I don't know where to start... all are serious matters and all of them seems to be so hard to handle...
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....well it has been more than two weeks i think... i have been waiting for a text message from someone... i do not know what is that i have done wrong... i am falling apart... i don't know... if that thing really happens well, i can say i am so weak.... i do not know but it always shows up through my mind... every night i think of those things that possibly made that person 'forget' that i still exist... whoo.... it really makes me feel so bothered... a lack of communication really weakens a relationship....

(another..)
....hei... every day, every night i always remember to send some one a quote just for that person to reply even a blank text message... hell that thing.... i really do not expect anything from that person but the truth is i really do.... hai......

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....it has been a week ago and upto now since i have started to spent my own money with school stuffs without getting any support from my parent...(just one) hoooo.... i am blaming no one but heck... i still have a celebration to prepare for.... i am quite selfish i know coz i just think of myself... but it's their responsibility... not mine... nor other people's....
my "bestfriend" rejected the help that i am proposing to give to him... i was quite offended but i know him... he will surely choose not to receive any monetary amount from me even if he knows that i am the only person that time who can really help him.... he also have that some kind of pride with him... amd that was the time when i realized how silly it was to have that kind of thing on that type of situation.... we have been together for almost 4years now...(i did not include that 1year...=) but he still feels that it might seem to be like he's taking advantage of what i have....(its just my opinion...) a lot of problems are facing him right now... and he's sharing it with me.... i feel quite happy coz he's trusting me with those kinds of stuffs... but what hurts me is that i am whole heartedly trying to give what i can and still i just received a rejection...

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....two days ago i went at my grand fathers house located just across the street to take his BP for the second time and to check if it has gone lower than my previous reading.... good thing it lowered down evenly.... but i am still bothered that he might again have a higher BP.... my cousin just eloped about two or three days i think.... she went away with his current boyfriend and my aunt and uncle do not know where she is right now.... she's two months older than me... but i felt really sad for her.... my grandfather told me at once...."tanga siya... nagpauto siya sa lalake... ang sarap sarap mag aral...." (she's so dumb... she let her boy friend fool her.... isn't it so good to study{to be at school?}.... i felt like i was strucked ny lightning when i heard all those hurting words that he said... i am not used to hearing 'bad words' because my parents never really used those words to me & my brothers.... i felt really sad and i am worried about the situation of my dearest cousin right now.... she's the closest one to me compared to my other cousins.... but what kind of a person am i not be able to do anything during those times.... and i am thinking that i might have been the last person to know that.... huh.... am i of no value?....

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.... i do not tell any one that i am having these kinds of problems... coz i know they are having their own struggles right now... and i do not want to be added up to those.... i just don't want to....
i do not know where to start... to start solving those equations laid before me.... i think i can't do it my way.... i do not know lots of things.... i don't talk about important things with other people.... i am selfish.. i am rude.... i am a worthless person.... i am saying this now because i am really sinking down this muddy path that i have chosen to take.... and it really bothers me a lot....


what ever these things causes me i will surely not give up the fight.... i am strong enough now to face these challenges.... after all.... It is not only I who will face this battle.... I will surely meet some one in the course of this fight... to help me win things out.... and be the entity He created me to be....