.,namimighating damdamin....

"The world will still keep on turning without me; what is going to happen will happen, and anyway it's no good to resist..."

.,sa pagkakataong ito muli akong susulat gamit ang wikang aking nakalakhan.... napakabigat ng aking damdamin.... natatakot akong baka hindi ko ito makayanang dalhin... hindi ko alam kung pang ilang araw na ito.... bumubugso.... bumabaon.... unti-unti, lumalamon...

dumating na ang bangkay ni kuya dong kahapon ng umaga... naroroon ako, ang aking ama at ang aking ina... nasaksihan ko kung gaano kahirap....kung gaano kasakit ang mawalan ng mahal sa buhay.... rumaragasa ang bugso ng damdamin.... lahat ay naluha... naiyak... humagulgol... napakasakit... nangilid ang aking mga luha... kinagat ko ang aking natutuyong mga labi (dahil sa lamig) upang pigilan ang aking mga mata na ituloy ang pag patak ng mumunting mga luha.... tumalikod ako sandali... patuloy sila sa pag iyak... ramdam ko ang kanilang pagdadalamhati... hindi ko alam kung anong nararamdaman ko... namamanhid ang aking katawan....

binuksan ang kabaong upang ilagay ang salamin sa ibabaw nito... lalong lumakas ang iyakan... hindi ko makayanan... lumabas akong pasumandali.... at sa mga ulap ibinaling ang aking atensyon... alas otso ng umaga... bago pa ang sikat ng araw... kakaunti ang ulap... malungkot...
puro kalungkutan... bangungot... gusto ko nang magising....

nasasaktan ako para sa kanila... kanina nagpunta sa bahay si ate gemma... alas otso y medya ng umaga... muli at muli kanyang sinambit sa akin, "alam mo michael masuwerte ka marami kang kapatid... ako, kaisa-isang kapatid ko na lang kinuha pa sa akin... (nakikita ko ang mga nangingilid na luha sa mga mata nya...) pag tinititigan ko yung kapatid ko hindi ko mapigilang umiyak...(papatak na ang luha...) nasasaktan ako pag naiisip kong wala na sya... na wala na 'kong kapatid... kung wala lang akong asawa at mga anak siguro maiisip ko sumama na lang ako sa kanya... kasi malulungkot lang ako alam ko malungkot din sya dun mag isa lang din sya... (tumulo ang mga luha... nangingilid ang mga luha ko.... pinigil kong muli ang sarili ko sa ikalawang pagkakataon...) ramdam ko ang dinadala nyang pighati... ganoon siguro talaga kasakit... ngunit hindi ko mahinuha kung mas gaano pa kasakit para sa kanya...

bago siya umalis sinabi nya muli sa akin.... "kaya ikaw masuwerte ka.... hindi ka nag-iisa.... marami kang kapatid...." paulit-ulit... hindi lamang isa o dalawang beses... narinig kong muli mula sa kanyang mga labi... siguro nga sobrang sakit... ako?... hindi ko nararamdaman na tatlo pa ang kapatid ko... parang minsan isa lang... ewan ko... siguro may kulang... may puwang... may pagitan... alam ko may dahilan kung bakit paulit- ulit nyang binabanggit... kung bakit paulit-ulit ko iyong naririnig...

siguro para pahalagahan ko yung kung ano ang meron ako ngayon, kung ano yung mga bagay na minsan hindi ko nabibigyan ng pansin kahit nandyan na...para matutunan kong mahalin lahat ng "mahahalagang" tao sa buhay ko... bago pa mahuli ang lahat... oh matapos ng hindi ko inaasahan... sana nga.. sa mga susunod na panahon siguro dapat isulat ko naman kung sino ako... kung sino yung mga tao sa paligid ko... yung mga taong kailangan kong bigyan ng higit pang pansin at pagpapahalaga... para hindi lang umiikot sa mundo ko yung buhay ko... para makilala ko pa yung sarili ko...



"Alone i had to face the difficult task of changing myself, to stop the everlasting reproaches, which were so oppressive and which reduced me to such terrible despondency..."

.,hope i will be happy....

.,i have an 'appointment' later at four... and i don't know what to expect... this was already planned about less than a month ago... we were texting at twelve midnight (that was five hours ago or so...) and we're talking on our little concerns...

angel-o: hapi bday!...=)

bestfrend: yehey! salamat!

a-o: bakit ka nag yehey!?..

bf: wala lang kasi bday ko na...

.........(thinking not replying...)...........

bf: punta ka sa'min bukas, u lyk?

a-o: ndi mo ba ko ililibre mamaya?..

bf: san m ba gusto?...

.........(lol.. this is one of the first time that you asked me/ you volunteered to treat me out...)........

a-o: sabi mo red ribbon... 4got that?

bf: ndi q un nkklimutan.. wat tym m gus2?...

a-o: hapon na lng.... kaw wat tym?.... kw manlilibre eah...=)

bf: 4?

..........(nice reply... lazy bob!...).........

a-o: ok gueh.. kita na lng tau dun sa may ....?.... gueh na antok na ko.... hapi bday ulit...

bf: oki.. slmat...

.........(then shut my eyelids down...)......

this is a very special day not because it's bf's birthday (alright, partly...) but because it's my parents 27th year anniversary today.... can you just imagine how long they've been together now... i am proud of my parents... they reached quite a long distance... won all the battles laid and passed through the obstacles testing their relationship.... soon i will be writing about my roots... for you to know be better than best.... write down all the clear details from my mind...
mama and papa went to church... (they always do that every year....) i suppose the mass is now over and they are already eating out on that certain restaurant....(they always celebrate their anniversary there.... and they just hand me a meal they took out...) of course that's their time to spend together.... and i will not bother to interrupt the bursting flame between the two of them...

oh i almost forgot.... it is also the birthday of my papa's bestfriend in las pinas... (a coincidence?...) lol... thinking of it always makes me beam... it's my 'bestfriend' and my father's 'bestfriend's birthday....huh?...

i don't know what's the best thing to give to 'bestfrend' later... i have no idea... i know bf wants a guitar but huh.... (can't afford it this time.... i have something to buy for myself.... lol...)selfish!!!....

:to mama & papa,
may the both of you have a very wonderful day not only today but as much as always.. thousands of twenty seven years more... and a whole lot of love, hope, faith and blessings.... i love you both... so much...=) and always will.... forever...

:to tito rolly,
happy happy birthday!!.... you are one of my dad's best buddy... hope you'll soon get over with your diabetes.... continue taking your medicines.... don't get tired so much... thanks for all your help... i can pay you back at some time... wish we can go back at kr's...(kenny r's) i miss the chicken... and all those pasta stuffs... (of course your treat...=) looking forward to see you soon...
we miss you...=) take care.... Godspeed...

:it's your time....
wish you'll be happy... stay who you are... the being i know... i don't need to say much... i don't wanna sound good... lol.... just see things i am doing and show you care... to my best buddy.... happy birthday...=)

yours,
- angel-o...=)

.,a beep...

.,it's been so long.... i have been longing so much to hear from you.... you have not sent me any message these past few weeks... i am reckless.... i feel so empty.... when was the last time we saw each other?... talked about stuffs under the sun?... i cannot recall....

i think of you time after time... cogitating of what is now happening to you... it is like i am in a cold spell.... i want you to be the one who'll do the first move... I'm just waiting whenever you feel like you need me.... indeed you are special to me... it's like i am in drought... lacking something every time thoughts of you pass through my psyche.... days continuously go by.... and Christmas is coming soon.... it feels so cold... i need someone to comfort me... i want you to comfort me.... i need you to be with me...

imissyou...

-********************....

.,a public private room.....

.,i just want to flee into the yonder.... escape from my own place....i am not feeling any pleasure about 'i' trying to get along with a lot of some 'i don't know how to define'-individuals living here on earth...

i have not held any ideas on my mind that i will feel this f*ck*ng sh*t inside of me... i held back.... controlled my temper so as not to be sarcastic or mock another entity.... as far as i know i have not done such things to a person... especially to a young little girl on which i have always been very patient since the time that i have had any 'biological relationship' with her... i am thinking whether she might grow up like what she is right now.... some kinda bitchy at times... having mood swings.... she needs to reach her maturity age sooner or else i might get a full bucket and she-being dumped into a place she might not like.... she doesn't know who am i.... she doesn't have any idea that horns might sprang up from this silly billy inside of me.... she's digging up her own grave....lol...



yeah i am so bitchy... talking like i am really exasperated... and that it is a big thing for me....

i have offered a great favor and that is what i am gonna get in return... a mood problem... an attitude difficulty.... sigh.... well it is really annoying... this part of the day is really annoying....
i just hope i am gonna be more finesse when i am dealing with her.... more enduring... more tolerant.... or we shall clash....



my room has been occupied by a lot of people since you came....an empty room with an open door...yet full of floating and wandering souls... will i be happy???..... what can i get???..... have you been here already???..... and should you try???.... i am totally fed up... saying all the nasty things i can say... (this is a democratic country.. right??....)

invasion... attack... assault... i am sick of having seen 'some people' more often than i just should... and i cannot do anything to escape from this shit reality i am in now.... is this a park??.... how can you call this your 'personal'?.... if all the time... almost everyday these people are the ones you always see the benefits with.... i cannot explain further...

these are just my rough opinions... all that is running into my mind...
flashing....
evading....
maybe i just need some sleep... on my 'own bed' with my 'own pillow' in my 'own room'.... how i wish all these are just my own....

not sharing things with almost every single person going inside this room... i just want things to be mine... selfish??... hell not.... i just need some privacy... my own time in my own little place.... here inside my box....

that is all that i want for now.... can everyone please give me the favor???....
please understand!!!..... (screamin'....)

.,year-end party... (whatever!...)

.,sigh.... i thought it was some kind of a waste of time.... this day is not that nice... it was 4:45pm i went at the meeting place of the 'scholars' with my 'clustermate'... it wasn't that good as usual.... and i expected it to happen.... all those 'filipino-time' following individuals always makes my mind be flight worthy enough to break free of the hostile captivity on which i am in.... my eyes haunted for scenes i've not always seen.... the place is so chaotic... it is a real havoc.... the wind blows hard and it is so cold.... i have thought of bringing a jacket but thanks for my laziness i was not able to get one...=)



the leaves of the trees all fell down... it was like it is fall and not winter.... i wonder if those trees feel cold during the night.... it caught my attention and made me not think of all those 'ontime' individuals i am waiting to arrive.... lol....


the place is decorated with Christmas garlands... there are lanterns.... an improvised christmas tree... and all those 'trying hard decors' just to have the feeling of the nearly coming celebration of Christmas.... (how many times have i mentioned 'Christmas' in that sentence?).... ahh forget it....


and so we went on... alas... they came... the meeting started and i had to leave the place before roots sprang up from my feet....


alright proceed....


i went to school after an hour at the meeting.... i don't know what to expect... all i know is that almost three fourths of our class will not attend the said event.... of course they also think that it will be boring.... they changed the name of the event.... i don't know why.... just to have some 'effect' maybe.... it was 'Christmas party' before..... (the usual....) and then they changed it into 'CNM's year-end party..... and i don't even care... whatever they'll call it.... the place venue isn't that nice.... it was held on our school parking lot hahaha...... they call it the 'school ground' but because of all the cars parked there during school days it looks like a huge free parking space...

but thanks to our student councils... thanks for this giant Christmas cake they built-up for the spirit of this yuletide season....

the food which we anticipate to be all that matters is always.... just like the past parties- a disaster... it was nearly spoiled... and so i only ate the dessert.... the only thing i loved about the occasion is the gay or rather homosexual entertainers giving all their best to make us laugh.... they are making fun out of themselves.... which they really are.... we laughed our hearts out.... all the time.... during their presence.... and when they were gone.... so am i.....

i left the happening at ease... and now i am home....


feeling quite tired and sleepy...

that is all for now.... i have another meeting to attend to tomorrow.... and i hope it wouldn't be like the previous one....


p.s.
a voice coming from the other room said..."matulog ka na nga!..." that's mama....
so it's a good bye for now... ciao....

.,hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian....

.,my third post today....hahaha.... i feel so lazy.... i have to finish things with regards to our report.... i have not done anything yet.... not yet starting and doesn't even want to exert an effort.... lol....
i just really want to sleep now.... it is 9:01pm.... if i start doing our report now then what time will i finish it???...... haizzzz...... i don't know.... can i make it?....


or do i want to????..... hahahaha...=) lols.....

.,sailing....

.,i feel like i am sailing on a stormy sea...

don't have any one with me....



all alone by myself....

waiting for a rescue....
or to vanish out on this lonely sea...
raging waves....
deafening thunder...
detrimental lightning.....

.,hurting.... dying....

.,i have received a bad news... a close family friend died... he just migrated to the united states about a few months ago with his family... our neighbor, her sister told me while crying.... "si mama mo?... gusto ko lang sabihin wala na 'kong kapatid... (then she cried, but held her self so as not to show any signs of weakness to me...) patay na si kuya dong mo...." i was on the state of shock where in i don't know what to say to her.... i pity those people who just realizes the worth of someone after they were gone.... human's life is really just a matter of wether you can live it to the fullest or reach your pit stop finishing nothing.... my heart feels like it is gonna stop pumping blood right now.... i really feel so sorry for her....and for Inang Ana.... she really loves her son... a lot... i know it 'coz i feel it... and i see it... the way she cares for her only son...


i really feel so sad... man's life is so short... that we cannot expect anything more about it.... it is already here but it feels like this is just a nightmare... i cannot escape... i cannot wake up.... i feel so stocked...

i don't know how to comfort her.... she is my mom's bestfriend here in our subdivision.... they tell secrets to each other.... but mama is not here now.... on one of the most important times that her friend needs her... i feel like crying.... i am so into the situation.... and it digs up slowly as i am coming to realize that this is all real...


i cannot finish this any more... i have not yet eaten anything since this morning... and now i am fed with a very hitting news.... hurts....


really hurts....


i wanna cry....='(

.,wandering... (a continuation...)

.,hours have passed and i am still looking at that young little boy while he is peacefully sleeping... thinking if someone will accompany him home... i have no idea what things awaits the child's fresh life... if he knows where to go next... or what to do with his life... he still doesn't know where his mother is right now... or if she can come back to fetch him...
pity that child...

he has been sleeping for hours now... no wonder.... maybe he felt really exhausted upon wandering with his mother miles and miles of distance....

=flashback...=

they once lived a very luxurious life... he is the only son of an attorney and a very beautiful woman... have a car, a mansion house, and their own real estate business.... (but not for long....)
it was bankrupted which forced them to sell their most held properties to be able to pay their debts... his father died unexpectedly... seen in the room laid without a breathe... said he slept and not able to wake up... his mother does not know any work that time and they were forced to leave the apartment they were renting... spontaneously, they lived on streets wandering.... waiting for a miracle to happen... and then there was only him... just him.....

"nasan po ako???.... nasan po si mama??", the child asked conspicuously to the nurse on duty...
"anong pangalan mo boy???.....", answered the nurse... about a mile away from the questions of the child... she is checking the vital signs of her patient... "milo po pangalan ko... uhm... nasan po si mama???" , asking for the second time...
the nurse did not utter even a single word.... leaving the eyes of the child puzzled.... wondering about all the things that is happening.... there are a lot of people passing through the corridor of the place... and he is not used to that kind of environment.... the child thinks.... "iniwan na yata ako ni mama.... siguro pinuntahan si papa.... hindi naman ako sinama..." he stood up... leaning towards the curtain... walking... moving.... and then finally out to the world.... he looks so untidy because he has not taken a bath for about a day or so.... which catches all the 'observant' people's eyes... he continued walking until he reached the main door of the hospital... the guard at the door asked him... "pasyente ka ba dito bata??... san nanay mo???...."....
"pupuntahan ko po sya... kasama po nya si papa...." the child replied thinking only of his two known individuals.... "alam mo ba kung saan???..." the guard tested the informations of the child... "opo. pupuntahan ko po sila...." and then the child ran as quick as he could... as if a dog was running on his back.... luckily, the guard did not even make an effort to run at the direction of the child...

he was still weak... that his parasympathetic nervous system made him stop... he heard something ringing from his stomach... yes, he's hungry... and he doesn't know where he can get some food... a place to eat... a place to rest.... a safe place to dwell....
"mama!!!!...." the child shouted from afar... he ran towards that distance.... and then smilingly- he stopped....



-to be continued....

.,struggling yet fighting...

.,this is one of those imperfect days... i don't know... but that's how i can classify it...

i really do not know what is happening to me on our p.e. class... i am losing a lot of focus lately... and i have no idea why... i know my strengths and weaknesses and i know my limitations too.... and i know that i can do better than what i have done this day.... i think it is really just that..., "if it's not for you, it's not for you...." no matter how hard you try for it... but i do not know how to accept that a hundred percent.... everything happens for a reason and i don't know what's mine... i really just wouldn't understand why... i am not feeling so much hurt... i am just quite disappointed about what i have done to myself....


i did not do well on our quiz... not because i have not reviewed anything... not because i know nothing... or because i have not been able to peek on my seatmates copy.... it is so simple.... "i have not clearly read the instructions on the test paper...." and misunderstood what my professor have said... i am way too over confident every time i know that i have reviewed before the exam or prepared well before seating on the hot seat.... and so i am sometimes taking things for granted and proceed to the questions and answer.... i thought that it was that simple.... but na-ah... it is not.... instructions, directions or whatever ya'll call it.... it complicates life... hahahaha..... (just kidding=) that is the one big problem that i do need to solve within me.... and i have no idea how...


...i am struggling to stand on the edge of a cliff not knowing what awaits me down below.... i am afraid to look down... nor make another step, even a tiny one.... i am holding my breathe as i am still moving near.... the wind blows averagely and i feel it is cold.... i am fighting, and continiously fighting...


fighting but still struggling....=(



-angelo...

.,wandering...

.,i was alone in my room thinking of so many things... laid down on my back- in a supine position... i picked up my pillow and then shut my eyelids down...

....i remembered taking steps with my feet... the land is dark and the moon is bright... i cannot see other things but the tiny little glowing lights beneath the grayish sky... "mama, kailan babalik si papa?..." coming from the tiny little voice of a young boy... he is about six or seven years old, asking about where his father went and when he will come back... "Hindi alam ni mama anak... nasa malayong lugar si papa... mahirap puntahan....", replied his mom... i saw that there is something behind her eyes holding her back from saying more informations about where the father have been... "edi puntahan na natin s'ya ngayon para maaga tayong makarating...", said the little child smiling... he does not know what he is saying... the only thing that is running in his mind is the aim to see his father back with him... with them... "hindi tayo papapasukin doon anak... mahirap pumasok dun...", his mom explained to him that it is difficult to go there... it is so complicated that it might take all their time travelling through that one destination... I also do not know where that place is.... what state or country is she talking about... all i know is that it is really a very distant place that only few individuals have the idea/ knows where it is...

I stopped walking and sat down for a while... i felt a little tired... "mama uuwi na ba tayo?.... baka naghihintay si bob..." the child continued asking... his mother seems not to hear what he's saying... "mama uuwi na tayo?... uuwi na po ba tayo ha mama?..." His mother bent her knees slowly and carried him on her short slim elbows... "oo anak... sige matulog ka na muna sa balikat ni mama... uuwi na tayo.... pupuntahan natin si bob..." the young boy laid his head down on his mama's shoulder yawning... "mama puntahan natin si bob ah... pun...tahan natin si.... pa..pa.." his eyes were shut upon saying those words... maybe the child felt tired from their long day of wandering... "sige anak... matulog ka na muna.... gigisingin kita pag malapit na tayo kay papa..." the road is empty... there are no lights on the posts nor are there any brightness coming from the houses they passed by... "papa..." the young boy was dreaming... he must have been longing so much to see his father... he still thinks of his 'papa' even when asleep...

the 'wang-wang' of the siren caught all the peoples attention... a lady was robbed, her belongings stolen, received a gun shot from the hold upper and has been stroked by a knife on her lower left chest... the child didn't know what was happening... next thing he knows... he is with the ladies in an all-white shirt... he is wondering where his mother is... one girl in an all-white shirt injected something within the child... and for the second time then... he fell asleep...



-to be continued...

.,archieaddict2....

.,just having my moment.... i am really touched... specially on the 4:13th....

.,capital bi-ey-di ti-ar-ay-pi....

.,i wonder why this day went the way it is.... lols... the story goes....

yesterday, before i shut my weary eyes i said my prayers and wished for everything good for today.... but then.....

:woke up at 5:35am, prepared my breakfast, took a bath, did every preparations and then went to school...

: 8:27am took a quiz on our first subject and got 7 out of ten... (what the h*ck... my teacher said that we need to invest for our grades and better start it now {on mid term} than to just 'get back on the road' on finals.... although she said that we need to get at least 7/10 that is still a low score for me... because i do have a goal right now and i really need to make it a reality... but how can i do it if i'm not doing that well during this times?... aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.......

: 9:05am "ma'am i am having an important call, and i need to get home as soon as possible.... will you allow me to?...." alright think of it until your brain gets out of your tiny skull.... "sige bumalik ka na lang i- thi-3rd batch kita...." replied my professor....

: 10:15am during the quiz.... "diether, lumipat ka dito sa kabila... masyado kayong malapit ni kristine...." ok then.... there's no problem with it.... i can survive alone... (i'm a loner....) but what am i thinking during that time is that... "what is she thinking 'bout me huh?...."

: 10:53am after the quiz, answered the activity... "bakit ba kailangan pang sagutan to eah hindi naman makikita ni ma'am... matatandaan ka ba nun?.... nakakatamad magsagot..." said my new 'savage friend'.... if you don't want to answer that ms. boor then you can freely do so... don't include us... or my "friends" on your black plans... i will freely appreciate it if you'll keep it yourself... [well, i'm not being cruel to her...{defending myself?... i don't think so....} it's just that... i am really not used to that kind of 'breeding' my friends have not shown me.... peace you....

: 2:00pm "OMG!!!!.... this is my last two frames.... and i only have a 35 there.... my God.... what's happening to me???....." on our p.e. class, bowling.... the passing score is 50 and it is equivalent to 3 or 75%... i still need 15 points to be able to pass.... i feel so worried of hitting just the canals or the gutters... my friends and classmates kept saying... "go angelo... kaya mo yan...; angelo nagagalit ka kasi ay....; angelo ano nangyayari sa'yo?...; angelo ok ka lang?...." ok guys thanks for the concern but sorry because i just ignored some of your concerns... i owe you guys an apology and i just realized it now.... by the way, i scored 51... just enough for me to pass... but then i am very disappointed about what had happened... say it... I'm weak... i went inside the comfort room while waiting for my turn... and yes... my tears fell down.... good thing no other student uses the room that time.... that was my moment and i felt a little embarrassed to myself.... "ang ARTE!!!!...." i am just a human being... an emotional human being....=) sorry....

: 3:00pm period of decline.... alright now... i'm cooled down... i am already dipped into a bucketful of ice... sir dinar... thank you so much... you are one of the reason why i am totally recovered... "you made me lol.... hahaha...=) even if you do not know what is that you have done to me i still wanna thank you.... a thousand thanks.... thanks for your 'family planning demonstrations and illustrations...' lols...

: 9:26pm this is now the present time.... and i told my mama what had happened during the whole day... and she said positively... "wag mo na isipin yun... ganun talaga eah... bumawi ka na lang sa susunod....iinisin mo lang sarili mo dun.... hindi na yun mababago...." yah you're right ma... i cannot do anything about it any more unless i canbring back the elasped time.... tomorrow i am going to have a practice... tomorrow i am going to that same place again.... i just wish that i have already learned from my mistakes.... and not to think so much of what i am thinking 'coz that is what happens.... {those negatives...} that is what the 'secret' tells me...

Dear God,

i am laying down everything before you.... my life, my all... i am thanking you for this new day that you have given me coz even though i was a little harsh on some things You were able to carry me back to the road where i must have been... thank you so much for everything... i really do not know what will happen to me if You're not here with me... thank you so much... sorry... and I Love You....


-angelo...=)