., It was almost twelve midnight, i connected the earphone power input to my phone and tried to search for a 'sleepy melody' and to my disappointment, there was nothing but a plain white noise...
Suddenly, I remembered a scene I have watched on the television show KYLE XY while i am still laid on my back... when He(Kyle) was also searching for a good music to help him get some sleep via the radio. If i am not mistaken, he was at the tub during those times... in a cold bath tub where he, in an instant found himself being able to find a good sleep... Kyle was like a kid during those times... and that is when i started to like him... i mean his role on the said TV show...
Back to my story...
Unfortunately, there was no good music for me. All that i am hearing and searching for are plain white noises... I can't find a good music, nothing for a good night sleep...Bothered or maybe just thinking of certain matters... matters about me being 'roughly rude' at times... all of a sudden being very judgmental and so direct that i was not able to control my words at certain situations... I do not really know if i have changed... yes, the innocent I was already gone. He was already buried deep down a hollow dig. Do i need to feel sorry about me losing naiveté?... maybe not... I am still a human being and what makes a human being far different from other living creatures is his ability to think and rationalize... and of course deep, reasonable feelings...
Like most individuals, I commit certain errors and at times not being aware of those... I am just a faulty human being. Maybe i have changed the path i was previously taking... simply turned separate ways from what other people expected me to take... I do not feel any regrets about the decisions i have made and the things I've done anyway... I do feel a little flash of guilt sometimes... which i think, is 'probably' normal... But certain situations do not always offer us the need to apologize, say sorry or simply ask for forgiveness... A Sorry for me, have just been a simple 'routinized word'... Quite easy to say huh... but clings to my ears indifferent from those white noises...
I continued searching for a pleasing sound... just like how much determined I am to search for appropriate decisions to make upon knowing some bits and pieces concerning other people...
Just like kyle, I have not found those answers in a one full night...
White noise deafens me... Screaming silently through my unconsciousness... with heavy eyelids and a dysfunctional hypothalamus, I felt like those white noises are melodic lullabies slowly seeping through my dead brain... A Deadpan thinking about how other people sees me and maybe how to deal with the situation.
"I don't need to prove myself to anyone"...
maybe i just need to give my
Smart brain a good rest... and then just think of the details 'unannoyingly'...
till i wake up... that's when I might be able to THINK...
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