Indolently Dynamic

"I feel unworthy of little certainties..."

These are the words I have just uttered which then kept running through my 'crestfallen' mind. I feel so undeserving of what I have right now; not because I don't feel I am worthy for it but its because I don't feel its worthy of me. I have always denied the topic of me about being perfectionist, having a Type 'A' personality, overachieving, competitive and a boastful individual (*oooppps... remove the last!) yet it undeniably shows/ reveals a part of me which I think is a little normal for a teen of my age (*defensive).

I was taking everything easy these past few weeks or months should i say and its because I have overestimated my abilities and knowledge about certain information and situations. I have gotten grades which I think I don't deserve this much, but what could I possibly do if these are the fruits of my bitterly bearing tree? I just have to pick them up, wash a little bit and accept the fact that this is what I am going to have this semester, a closely rotten crop. I always tell myself (*which I have never had put to action) that I can do much or more than what I can, but I also know that there is this something which tries to hold me back. I just think I should've paid deeper attention with what I do regret now. Its crazy how life plays its plans for us.

***
I have had my check up i think last Thursday or Friday.. because i felt it is so necessary to have one. I have had my second fever for the month that day before the check up and it felt like I was nearly dying because it is quite unusual for my 'gaunt' body to have such more than once in a month or in this certain period of time. I shall have the colds forever said the Doctor, unless I mange to find ways how to strengthen my body or my immune system directly. In short, work out or exercise! (things i hate doing the most... haha..) Honestly speaking, I don't like activities that require physical exertion or efforts... let us play mind games instead. "Hijo, pwede ka magtuloy sa Medisina kung gusto mo..", he uttered smilingly after i have told him my assessments towards myself. lol. I did laugh hard after... then he told me he's not kidding.

***
"Magaganda ang grades ng batang 'to ah... Running ka ba? (for Cumlaude)", said the enrolling officer while i was into the initial validation of grades for my enrollment. I felt flattered. but then, suddenly it felt a little sad... "Ai hindi po... hindi na po ako Dean's Lister...", I replied humbly... or should i say embarrassed? I know I could have done better. So here comes Mr. Regret again... bothering my futile mind.

***
A week before, I took a hold of the responsibility of being the class president again as I am and the positive feed-backs I have received were all overwhelming. It feels great that people do appreciate all the things you do for them... may it be a favor, a voluntary deed or whatever. Perhaps an exemplification of the qualities of a good leader- as it is stated (Encarta).

I just had this notion ringing.. like, how is it so possible that other people manage to see what my real knowledge and abilities are when I, myself think that all my efforts still lack a ton if I could just say. When is the right time to use the words- sufficient and lacking? Like when they are supposed to be used interchangeably?
I have had conversations with different types of people.. from different walks of life... some whom i have listened to, while others enter the right side and then leave the opposite. I guess I still don't have "strategies" (as a kid told me while playing PVZ) on how to control my life and the situations despite the recurrence of such more than once in this insane earthly living. I just play it the way (how) I know I can win over it. I am now officially on my Senior year... and the pressure is on me to get the diploma, pass the board then and get a contenting job (with good grades and set higher standards).

A friend always do remind me of not being so happy on a one-time basis, i mean like getting into the happiest-moment-feeling-forever... (happy-go-lucky, one-day millionaire) because I may not have something to be left for the next day or the following days. I can't explain the feeling. Life, oftentimes feels so untrue... and i don't wanna be in this the whole time. I don't wanna have another tomorrow.

I want a day to be forever. I don't want things to end. I want today t0 be the sole dream of my forever.

and I pray to the Father, to let me live in a history... feeling like this life is eternal with the happiness of knowing that I am in a place surrounded by people who does not merely believe in destiny but in the sanctity and Sovereignty of Faith, Trust and Love.


-Angelo... -_-


P.S.

I dropped by @youtube to check on some videos then i get to hit this vid of David and i just wanna share.. I just miss archie too so much... :D
and if you get to read this, yeah You.. Old Owl, *ewan ko sayo... hahaha...

Nightynight... Godspeed!