“A DECADE OR TWO”

A composition I have made for a paper requirement at school goes like this...

In life, we cannot always be so certain about the paths we take and the roads we travel. We may go with the flow or oppose the forces of nature if we want to.

Four years ago, I was merely out of the interest in pursuing this course for I was thinking of not seeing myself doing the works of care for others, but as time went by in just an instant and through the moments of learning, wisdom and experience I have realized that half of my life now is revolving within and is on its way towards becoming a noble profession.

The first two years of my study were central to plain school works and imaginative creations of hospital works in my futile mind, then who would have thought that sooner or later I will be reaching the sweet fruits of my cultivated passion. I have felt the fervor within me to care for patients with hospital and community exposures in a meaningful worthwhile. I have had stood on my own pedestal and was able to help myself rise despite diverse existent shortcomings and hindrances as I lived life aiming forth to be successful in this chosen lea of mine.

The feelings of fulfillment laid in my circumscription stand as one of my motivations in continuing what I have started. There are so many stories to tell but learning to love what initially meant nothing for me felt like something so usual. Others may see me as a normal student or may perceive me as a typical one but to those people who know me personally, I may be one of the most outstanding, call it special or different in a unique manner.

No one can predict what one will be, even after a year from now… more so, a decade or two; all these are simply expectations and what we want ourselves to be in the near future. I have always had great results whatever my secondary choices were even during my high school years and until now, as I get nearer and closer towards reaching my baccalaureate diploma, I get to plan things in a wide range of spontaneity.

Two decades from now, with plans laid on hand, I see myself and hope for to be a successful professional in the pursuit of the good and for the betterment of my family and my personality/ self as a functional well-being; as of now I am thinking of widening my range of expertise. I want to explore things out of my baby box. I want to explore the world. Experience and study the cultures of the West, Asia and the Southern countries. I want to be one of the most successful nurses of my age. I want to uplift the morale of my Country beginning with my University. I want to develop further within me the heart of a Clinical Instructor with a Masters Degree in Nursing with my professors whom shall stand as my sole inspirations and exemplars. I want to experience, out of curiosity the works of a call center agent where people say nurses go after graduation or board exams simply to practice and employ my speech prowess just for a moment. I want to work in a well-known institution with only the best employees for quality patient care. I wish forth to finish culinary arts just to know a wide variety of cuisines not seeking of green pastures; I want to be the best that I can be out of the country. I want to give pride to our clan, to my family and of course to myself. I am looking forward towards experiencing only the best and the greatest in thy near future. I want to serve the Lord and my Country. I do not actually plan of having my own family or build a new one as soon as I am affirmably settled and have had established matters on every aspect of my being but rather I see myself as a successful individual and then am hoping forth to be one. What we expect to see in the time ahead are simply the reflections of what we wish forth ourselves to be. We can’t count on to anybody except to the One who is guiding us and who always sees us from above.

This Head Nursing experience gave me the wisdom and compassion not only with the patients but also with my colleagues. I was able to show and perform my leadership and managing skills, not only guiding to be followed but also learning to be dynamic as well at all times. Leading (or simply being able to lead), in addition to nursing as a caring profession could also be considered as a privilege. Modestly being able to assess the accomplishments within a limited span of time, I can easily say that I, together with my co-head nurses have been effective and efficient, smart and intellectual enough to serve as a guide to our subordinates and future colleagues.

I am living my life as it is now in the present time, with the wisdom of what the latter Mahatma Gandhi have quoted, “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” I am taking my time in constructing the doorways of what others call ‘destiny’ and what I call Life and Reality; and I believe, for whatever we do, in word or deed, we shall do all in the Name of Our Lord. I am setting the direction towards reaching my future, the way towards pressing the success key and then push on enter, the road towards love, the path towards happiness and everything else in between.

-The End-

Indolently Dynamic

"I feel unworthy of little certainties..."

These are the words I have just uttered which then kept running through my 'crestfallen' mind. I feel so undeserving of what I have right now; not because I don't feel I am worthy for it but its because I don't feel its worthy of me. I have always denied the topic of me about being perfectionist, having a Type 'A' personality, overachieving, competitive and a boastful individual (*oooppps... remove the last!) yet it undeniably shows/ reveals a part of me which I think is a little normal for a teen of my age (*defensive).

I was taking everything easy these past few weeks or months should i say and its because I have overestimated my abilities and knowledge about certain information and situations. I have gotten grades which I think I don't deserve this much, but what could I possibly do if these are the fruits of my bitterly bearing tree? I just have to pick them up, wash a little bit and accept the fact that this is what I am going to have this semester, a closely rotten crop. I always tell myself (*which I have never had put to action) that I can do much or more than what I can, but I also know that there is this something which tries to hold me back. I just think I should've paid deeper attention with what I do regret now. Its crazy how life plays its plans for us.

***
I have had my check up i think last Thursday or Friday.. because i felt it is so necessary to have one. I have had my second fever for the month that day before the check up and it felt like I was nearly dying because it is quite unusual for my 'gaunt' body to have such more than once in a month or in this certain period of time. I shall have the colds forever said the Doctor, unless I mange to find ways how to strengthen my body or my immune system directly. In short, work out or exercise! (things i hate doing the most... haha..) Honestly speaking, I don't like activities that require physical exertion or efforts... let us play mind games instead. "Hijo, pwede ka magtuloy sa Medisina kung gusto mo..", he uttered smilingly after i have told him my assessments towards myself. lol. I did laugh hard after... then he told me he's not kidding.

***
"Magaganda ang grades ng batang 'to ah... Running ka ba? (for Cumlaude)", said the enrolling officer while i was into the initial validation of grades for my enrollment. I felt flattered. but then, suddenly it felt a little sad... "Ai hindi po... hindi na po ako Dean's Lister...", I replied humbly... or should i say embarrassed? I know I could have done better. So here comes Mr. Regret again... bothering my futile mind.

***
A week before, I took a hold of the responsibility of being the class president again as I am and the positive feed-backs I have received were all overwhelming. It feels great that people do appreciate all the things you do for them... may it be a favor, a voluntary deed or whatever. Perhaps an exemplification of the qualities of a good leader- as it is stated (Encarta).

I just had this notion ringing.. like, how is it so possible that other people manage to see what my real knowledge and abilities are when I, myself think that all my efforts still lack a ton if I could just say. When is the right time to use the words- sufficient and lacking? Like when they are supposed to be used interchangeably?
I have had conversations with different types of people.. from different walks of life... some whom i have listened to, while others enter the right side and then leave the opposite. I guess I still don't have "strategies" (as a kid told me while playing PVZ) on how to control my life and the situations despite the recurrence of such more than once in this insane earthly living. I just play it the way (how) I know I can win over it. I am now officially on my Senior year... and the pressure is on me to get the diploma, pass the board then and get a contenting job (with good grades and set higher standards).

A friend always do remind me of not being so happy on a one-time basis, i mean like getting into the happiest-moment-feeling-forever... (happy-go-lucky, one-day millionaire) because I may not have something to be left for the next day or the following days. I can't explain the feeling. Life, oftentimes feels so untrue... and i don't wanna be in this the whole time. I don't wanna have another tomorrow.

I want a day to be forever. I don't want things to end. I want today t0 be the sole dream of my forever.

and I pray to the Father, to let me live in a history... feeling like this life is eternal with the happiness of knowing that I am in a place surrounded by people who does not merely believe in destiny but in the sanctity and Sovereignty of Faith, Trust and Love.


-Angelo... -_-


P.S.

I dropped by @youtube to check on some videos then i get to hit this vid of David and i just wanna share.. I just miss archie too so much... :D
and if you get to read this, yeah You.. Old Owl, *ewan ko sayo... hahaha...

Nightynight... Godspeed!

Tears do glitter...

.,Its been a long while and I have not planned that I will have my come back this way...

I don't really get it when people say I've changed... a lot!... I guess I naively still don't know me.

It has been more than a month, and I always come to this point in time when I restart to realize that time is really just meant to fly. My best bud has arrived last 1st of February and now she's left... a bittersweet goodbye for me again I guess. I am not as hard as a rock or as stiff as a rod, nor as pliant as a bamboo but I know I have emotions inside of me and they just recur whenever I need them.

I think I have not extracted the best out of it... Regrets, why do they always get in our way the last? I don't know... I don't really know. Now, I feel the missing part of it and I don't know how I can adjust to this new, sad, and quiet environment again in my room. I feel it, yes I am alone. Again. I will be leaving this box today and it will be alright outside... but I don't know what awaits me when I get back.

No one will bother me when I am studying, no one will hit me with a pillow as i sleep soundly, no one will ask me sweet little favors about computer shortcuts and how to's... No one will stay with me awake till the next morning, no one will join me as I eat alone at the dinner table, no one will ask me to accompany her with her whereabouts. I am crying. I can't help but cry. I was so insensitive then that I have not paid attention on those simple happy moments. I should have made no regrets.

I know she' leaving because of me and I don't know if she feels its just fair for her to do these things for me. I can just talk to nobody about how I feel now. I hardly utter words.

Addio mi ammica. Arrivederci! Buon viaggio! A presto!

Memoirs...

"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same." - Anne Frank

.,I have had a lot of stories running through my mind this past few weeks of blog-rest (shall I call it)... I just ran out of words I guess?...

I have come up into something I have not realized before or even gave a little attention with... I thought I have already known the ways of life; how it goes, its 'rights and wrongs', the ups and downs, even one's purpose and up to the time of a person's last deep breath... not until I have it right in my very eyes... In the weakest part of my body- my Heart.

12 days ago, our second day of duty at JPMH around 7:45 pm- has been the most critical hour of my hospital-life so far... I have never thought that I would be dealing with such situation ever in my wildest and most fearful nightmares... Yes, it was a nightmare. A nightmare which I have wished to be a gay dream but sorry for me, it was not. My Patient died. Simple as it may sound, but that four-letter word can change the walks of everything.

Hours before that incident, I have experienced a number of firsts for a semester and a fourth of hospital duty... When I have heard that I will be reassigned with the same patient at the Isolation Room, I have felt mixed emotions then... I thought it wouldn't be that difficult for me to make assessments, and that it would be easier for me to do charting and SOAPIEs (Its what I love doing the most, I am making a novel out of it). I also felt a little unhappy with it, knowing that for the second time, I am dealing with the difficult task of making Tatay be able to regain strength or maybe just feel a little better than he was the other day... My partner and I cleaned up the mess that Tatay have just made... Y'all know it. It was my first and I guess her first too, we have just communicated with our eyes and contacted each other with blinks and breathes... We have changed soiled Linens and diaper, and did TSB with TLC after(he's febrile that time). It was all my first.

After the dinner break and while we were having fun at the Nurse's Station which is just situated on the right side of the ISO and while our C.I. was discussing about something with corny jokes, my Patient's relative called our attention and said that Tatay was having a difficulty in breathing... we rushed into the room, Sir M taking the BP... 90/60, 60/palpatory... The unbelievable Doctor arrived walking in... Stethoscope here, here, here and one there...

"Wala na s'ya" (He's gone), the Resident 'Doctor' said emotionlessly.

Ate Barbara (Tatay's Daughter-in-law) lost control of herself and she have just cried... I was trying to hold back my tears... I don't know what to do... I walked into her and tapped her shoulders and her back.. that's all that I can do to show her how much I care... to empathize.
I was tasked to do Post Mortem Care then, I seem to be floating in the sea of nowhere when I was trying to get the towel from our Head Nurse. One stroke, I'm fine... Second stroke, I'll be Ok... This is what's running in my skeptic mind... I can't help it, I just cried... I saw droplets of tears falling from my weary eyes... tired of seeing people suffering from the hardships of life. I tried to close Tatay's eyes, it won't shut... I know he still wants to live.

"Tatay mag-iingat po kayo dun", those were the last words I whispered to his ears. I know he heard me... right?

I have just remembered, the night before we were talking (My group mates/Friends and I) while at the back of the hot Van while staring at the bright moon and the dark skies painted with glowing stars...

"Ry pag namatay ka tapos nabuhay ka ulit ano gusto mo maging?" (I have already forgotten her answer).

"Eah ikaw Ate Shee?", I asked them one by one... She replied, "Dagat. Eah ikaw Ava?"

"Gusto ko maging ulap... Langit", I uttered while looking up the beautiful night sky.

"Ang emo mo talaga Ava", that's Jobelle to me.

I always wanted to be the Heavens up above the sky... (Partly because its blue) but the real reason is that... the clouds have their own emotions with them... It travels everywhere... It 's never gone... They're always up there... Giving shade when there's so much light and gives way to light when the place is so dark... It rains when its feeling heavy and forms different shapes on its glory... :) I love it when it paints a rainbow and when the colors fade from red to orange and from violet to blue.... I love the Sunset-clouds; it marks the end of a wonderful day and I also love Sunrises- it means an awaiting great life ahead.

Life has changed a lot for me... I always see Tatay's eyes at night when I shut mine, I always remember his face when I sit to eat on the morning plate, I feel Tatay's warm skin when I am drying my body... I have just come into realization that this is what I am in to... this is what will I do, this is really an inevitable part of life, one of the hardest part of my Future Profession.

I don't want to experience or see another kind of Life and Death situation again, or do I still have to give all of me when caring for my patients and get so attached? I don't want to get hurt, but I know I won't feel I am happy when I don't know the difference of the two.

Life, Change, Death and Memories... For that day and that day only. Farewell Tatay! Take Care.

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.
Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy amidst the simple beauty of nature. -Anne Frank

Me is Englishing... Is you englishing too?...

.,I have always been a big fan of eye-opening Documentaries... and this here is a very remarkable one. Howie Severino is indeed a very Impressive Reporter..

This Documentary was aired on television last August 31, Monday after the Late Night News and Public Affairs Show- Saksi @ GMA7 . The Docu talks about how Filipinos use the Universal Language as our Official Language aside from the Filipino Lingo itself. Howie was on his bike travelling the roads of Manila looking for incorrect grammar constructions, misspellings, and many other things that has a specific connection with the use of the English Language (posted or printed in signage, boards, and even on simple warning symbols). Funny as it may sound but there still really is a need for us to pay more attention on this 'Alarming' situation..

In the video @ 00:13, the simple spelling of the word 'BAZAAR' have not been clearly established to the people as it is evidenced by the printed word on the signage. When asked to spell the word to a group of four gentlemen, only one of them has gotten the right answer, even the saleslady whom I think is working on the shop doesn't even know how to spell the word correctly... what's more entertaining is that, the word 'SAPPHIRE' on the bigger bulletin has a different spelling from that of the little one hanging on the wall for the people passing on the streets to see...:D
She has even made a cool explanation when asked why there is a difference in the spelling of the two... "Pareho lang siguro yan... Pareho lang ng basa, magka-iba lang ng sulat." (It's just the same, I think?... It is just read or pronounced in a single way, it has just been different in spelling.)

At 1:58, I was really amazed on the words/phrase(s), "We accept All kind of" and "Throw Pillo Case"... It made me think, what a 'pillo' is? Lol.. but the thought can be well comprehended though by 'understanding and knowledgeable individuals'...

"To our VALUES customer, S.D. Hardware IS TRANSFER to..."

Very, very entertaining... :D


For the latest Philippine news stories and videos, visit GMANews.TV

Even at schools, where the foundation of the student’s learning is being established, there is still a huge part missing in the context of the discipline. In this case, how would the students learn the right information about the subject if the teachers together with the classrooms are altogether travelling the wrong way?

"NO ONE FAILS IF HE DO HIS BEST."

I wonder if, or for an instance this is the case, will it still be possible that no one would fail?...

To whom shall the blame be vested upon? The Student’s Learning Abilities? The Teacher’s teaching styles? Or the Parent’s influencing the child (both the inherited influences and those that are being acquired constructively ^_^)?

What are the underlying causes of the 'Lack' in this particular branch of learning?...

I have here my own version of the 'bahala na' construction of an 'Englishing Phrase' which i have found posted on the wall of an establishment, and to my amazement I just found myself on the act of capturing the quote with my cellphone cam...

It says, "Any time you see someone more succesful than you are,
THEY DOING something you aren't."

Quite nice huh?.. Got the message?...

well, I have been very entertained today... If you want to watch the video on its site, click here...
or read the article about the documentary.

This is just the beginning... hmmm... the weather pulls me back to sleep... A high school classmate have just reminded me of this phrase... "It's raining outside, Aren't they?"

Diffused...

"Boy's don't cry... We fight..." :D

.,I have never expected all those things that have just happened this morning...
We didn't have our duty because the Clinical Instructors were so busy in preparing for the accreditation of the University. No C.I. means the students have no Duty... ;) and I thought it would be fun coz' I will be able to go home early and take a very long nap...

Our group was asked to sign an attendance sheet, to serve as a proof that we have been present this day... badly, the sheet was on the hands of our Instructor and she, at that time was inside the University library. With an aim to happily go home, I, together with my group mates invaded the premise of the Library. We were just four individuals then, and there was this Student who's working 'part-time' at the Library who have just felt our presence... She was at first quite busy entertaining other students who, on my inference will be using the facility- of course to study... but then, she have called our attention...

Girl: "Library Card nyo po?" (where's your Library Card?), she asked.

Myself: "Ai hindi, magsa-sign lang kami ng attendance sa C.I. namin hindi naman kami gagamit ng Library." (Ah, we're just going to sign the attendance sheet on our Instructor, we are not gonna use the Library), I replied using the normal tone of my voice.

Girl: "Kailangan po may Library card, ayun po oh nakasulat kasi..." (You need to present your Cards first before I do allow you to get through, it is posted there {she's pointing at the note on the entrance door}).

M: "Magsa-sign lang naman kami, tapos lalabas na din kami, ayun Instructor namin oh..." (we are just going to sign the sheet and leave the Lib after... she's the just right there... {directing her towards where our Instructor is}).

G: "Hindi nga po pwede. Kasi po marami na nga pong ginagawa. Tsaka kailangan po may Library card kayo bago po kayo pumasok.. Nasan po ba yung Library cards nyo?" (You cannot go there. We are busy doing a lot of stuffs. And you need to present your Library Cards first. before you can proceed... where's your Library Cards?), the girl is now talking on a louder voice, and making faces. "Ilan po ba kayo? Yung iba po dun na lang po muna kayo maghintay sa labas, isa na lang po ang pumasok." (How many students are you in here? others may just leave the Lib and stay outside, only one student can move in.)

M: "Eah magsa-sign nga lang kami tsaka iba-iba kami ng pangalan, pipirma pa kami, apat lang kami oh, yung iba naming kaklase nagsign na dyan kanina pa." (We are just going to sign the paper, we have different names plus we need to put our signatures in it, we're only four here, our group mates have just signed the paper minutes ago/earlier), I replied with a Louder tone of voice.

Groupmate: "Angelo, tara na hayaan mo siya, tara lumabas na tayo... Lika na mamaya na lang." (Angelo, cummon' don't pay attention to her, let's leave now... we'll just go back later.), my classmate said calmly... I know he's feeling the heat inside me rising up and up and up... I am feeling it too... It's that girl's approach which made me put up my temper in a level she can't bear. She must be thankful someone stopped me immediately before i have reached my boiling point.

My heart have experienced sudden palpitations... I can really feel my temper going up... We left the Library and went outside.

Groupmate: "Sungit ni Angelo eah!, ang tindi nito... papatulan na yung babae sa loob eah!", he said smilingly... (I have never thought Angelo is such an ill-tempered guy! you were so Intense... He's taking the conversation with that girl seriously!) Sometimes, when the situation calls to do so, my horn just starts to pop out in an instant!... whoala! sometimes even in the least expected times, i tend to lose control of myself, my words, my voice, and my big blabber mouth just bursts.

I know she was just doing her job, and that is what she's intended to do so but sometimes we still need to think of and consider other situation... Every rule must have to have certain excemptions and it has never been a deadly deed to pay acknoledgement to those situations which calls for- just a simple understanding. She has been considerably inconsiderate! I just wonder, if I have asked her to be the one in our situation and we have exchanged positions during those times, will she be still as hard as rock or willingly allow us to do our small part? that is, to simply sign the paper and leave... I believe that it would not cost her a million dollars if she have just had allowed us to pass through... neither will it cost her to lose an important something from herself nor her significant properties.

I know i have been so rude to take that stuff seriously, I felt a little prick inside my conscience though. Come to think of it, we are just of the same level, we're both students of the university, we are COLLEGE students and not elementary students, and we both have our own little agendas being wanted to have defended, thus, we have just made the story a mile-long complicated.
At the end of the game, nobody have won... because it was a draw. She may have pulled us out of her 'teritory' but we were still able to sign the sheet out (Our Instructor went out of the Library and approached us).

What have I learned? I have just realized, that in this life of ours, we don't always need to defend ourselves even if we have our own 'strong, little points'; being able to step back a little further and humbly move an inch away from from trouble or chaos may mean more than a sweet victory... it is also being gracious in defeat...

My Last Farewell...

In the loving memory of My Beloved President...

I yielded up seeing this poem composed by the late, former Senator Ninoy Aquino during the short days of his courageous life... I am a big fan of this couple... Honestly.

I have not yet witnessed such overwhelming love and support by the Filipinos to any other people who have contributed a lot in the country's democracy, except now!... I can say, President Corazon C. Aquino is "uniquely exceptional"... She have left us the greatest influence which any other individual can never (ever) give... At first, I thought that those who have waited for long hours outside the Manila Cathedral one or two days ago to be able to see President Aquino's remains already formed a great number of support and affection which is really incomparable but now, as I have witnessed Tita Cory's interment (which was started by a requiem mass), through the procession (the long roads of travel from Manila and to Makati and finally to Paranaque) and up to the last hours, minutes and seconds of the burial, at the Manila Memorial Park, the overflowing of support by hundreds and millions of people really made me express an undefiable amazement... "Wow!..." -the best word to define the feeling, i guess... The media coverage gave me a chance to witness this one of a kind and a once in a lifetime moment in our nation's vivacity. Tita Cory have really made a lot for our country... One of the best Filipina ever! It felt like as if I was being brought back to the year when the country's democracy was renewed. The people shouting in grief and tears flowing through the roads... I was indeed affected emotionally.

And as I read this poem below, I have had this one thing in my wretched mind- this is but,
A Great Inspiration.

The candle of My Life
Ninoy Aquino

I am burning the candle of my life
In the dark with no one to benefit
From its light

The candle slowly melts away
Soon its wick will be burned out
And the light is gone

IF someone will only gather
The melted wax, reshape it
Give it a new wick—
For another fleeting moment
My candle can once again
Light the dark
Be of service
One more time
And then…

Good-bye.



For the Last time, Tita Cory, let me give to you my last farewell...

My Deepest Gratitude... Farewell.... Godspeed...

White Noise...

"White noise deafens me... Screaming silently through my unconsciousness..."

., It was almost twelve midnight, i connected the earphone power input to my phone and tried to search for a 'sleepy melody' and to my disappointment, there was nothing but a plain white noise...

Suddenly, I remembered a scene I have watched on the television show KYLE XY while i am still laid on my back... when He(Kyle) was also searching for a good music to help him get some sleep via the radio. If i am not mistaken, he was at the tub during those times... in a cold bath tub where he, in an instant found himself being able to find a good sleep... Kyle was like a kid during those times... and that is when i started to like him... i mean his role on the said TV show...

Back to my story...

Unfortunately, there was no good music for me. All that i am hearing and searching for are plain white noises... I can't find a good music, nothing for a good night sleep...Bothered or maybe just thinking of certain matters... matters about me being 'roughly rude' at times... all of a sudden being very judgmental and so direct that i was not able to control my words at certain situations... I do not really know if i have changed... yes, the innocent I was already gone. He was already buried deep down a hollow dig. Do i need to feel sorry about me losing naiveté?... maybe not... I am still a human being and what makes a human being far different from other living creatures is his ability to think and rationalize... and of course deep, reasonable feelings...

Like most individuals, I commit certain errors and at times not being aware of those... I am just a faulty human being. Maybe i have changed the path i was previously taking... simply turned separate ways from what other people expected me to take... I do not feel any regrets about the decisions i have made and the things I've done anyway... I do feel a little flash of guilt sometimes... which i think, is 'probably' normal... But certain situations do not always offer us the need to apologize, say sorry or simply ask for forgiveness... A Sorry for me, have just been a simple 'routinized word'... Quite easy to say huh... but clings to my ears indifferent from those white noises...

I continued searching for a pleasing sound... just like how much determined I am to search for appropriate decisions to make upon knowing some bits and pieces concerning other people...
Just like kyle, I have not found those answers in a one full night...

White noise deafens me... Screaming silently through my unconsciousness... with heavy eyelids and a dysfunctional hypothalamus, I felt like those white noises are melodic lullabies slowly seeping through my dead brain... A Deadpan thinking about how other people sees me and maybe how to deal with the situation.

"I don't need to prove myself to anyone"...

maybe i just need to give my

Smart brain a good rest... and then just think of the details 'unannoyingly'...

till i wake up... that's when I might be able to THINK...

After all, it's still friendship which counts...

.,winners never quit... and quitters never win...^_^

i am still in a very incomprehensible situation right now... i was buried deep down by my instructor last Monday... i am still sick up to now... (this started last week, i had fever, stomach aches, head aches, i was to break down this afternoon and then got really sick, i have never gotten enough sleep since last saturday; slept at two or three in the morning and wake up at 5 or 5:30 just to get to my first subject...) i never felt that good regarding school works... i am so tired of being a leader though i really have to be a good one... its not my choice nor do i want it to happen to me... what's with me?... does everybody really want me to die earlier than what is planned?... i definitely don't have a charm to lead others but i don't know if people really believes i can do things more than ordinary... or am i speaking for themselves for the refreshing sound of being me?...

i haven't got any idea how to cope with stress, stressful situations and depression... i was over fatigued... literally restless and unhappy of the situations...

though other people tries to bring my group down by doing something out of their 'conscience'... i believe... that the world will still keep on turning... and in that way, time will come... the sun will soon be shinning towards our place... and the the other brighter place will now be experiencing to live in the dark, though there's still the presence of the moonlight, it is still insufficient to brighten their wholly dark night... and i know, we can still make it up....

the stars will soon be kneeling down... we will rise up and slowly dig and pound rocks into ashes...

after all, it is still friendship which counts... and i am happy i have it...:)
thanks for all these people within my circle...
and the One on Top of it...

change is constant, in both positive and negative ways....

.,Love, sunset...:)

.,"In every beginning, there will always be a succeeding end..."

there will always be a time in our lives when we will meet our own correspondents... somebody to help us write the stories of our lives... some one who will hand over you some papers to write onto... some to give you your writing pens when your inks lost lives... and others- erasers and correction fluids to keep you going after doing slip-ups to put you back on track...


after the longs hours of busy and wearisome schooling the colors painted above the skies always gives me a sigh of relief...

the amusing sunsets, a positive loneliness, rest and selflessness... these things clears my mind from doubtful thoughts and judgmental aspects running within it during critical times...

a perfect picture painted, having no viewing price to pay... God is Great... sunsets are gay...
and i love them better than sunrises...

sunsets starts the new sunrises... both gives way for the entrance of the other... but isn't it nicer to think of what you have accomplished for the whole day, reminiscin' the valuable stuffs you have done after the very busy daylight hours... of course doing the look backs at the end of the day... when the sun sets to rest and the moon then starts to work...


when people starts to shut their eyelids down and you alone tend to take a peek out to the beauty of nature, and then you'll start to think,

wishing for calm nights, sweet dreams...thinking of a not existing love life and all the blessings you have been waiting for so long... come to think of it, most people tends to remember just more of the negatives... and i am one of them... i am and was never a negativist nor a pessimist... but during the past few hours... i admit.. i kinda was...

shifting topics... i have always loved the beauty of the night... the glow of the moon during the dim, cold evening... makes me transform from a filthy human being to a clean hunting monster... there sprouted wings and sharp fangs...

if you were given this, you can't expect for the other fact that you can be given that... we can't always have everything all to be possessed at once... it takes time... like how the skies waits for the sunset to arrive... and how the moon waits while the sleeping of the sun takes place... we all have our own precious times... it just comes... we don't know when or how... but it is not important... what is more important is to believe that it will happen... it will happen if you'll learn to wait... patience, just this eight-letter word... and add another five for that... ef. ey. ay. ti. eytch... look op to BRO... HE's always there... presently watching...

life is a never ending examination... multiple choice type at times... and some unexpected identifications... lucky if there is a cross matching... (quite easy huh..) but never will be enumerations... what if there is an essay type?... or would you rather choose to define?...

do we need to able to defend powerfully?... or disappoint yourselves while getting away?...


i really don't care... now, i can sleep soundly...and from the spaces of my own room will i set my mind that 'things just don't always go the way we want it...'

.,raining...

.,march's first rainfall.. yes, it's raining in the Philippines after those hot and humid days... i feel my eyes still wanna shut its eyelids... sleepy... the weather wants me to go back to sleep.... but sadly, i can't...
sleepless nights will now soon be over... i am expecting that this will be the one of the last times when i will sleep at twelve midnight...with bulky eyebags... stress life... and what more negatives could i ever wish for...

we will be having our defense this morning at eight... i was not able to prepare for myself all the things i possibly need for that happening... i was busy doing stuffs for other people and so i was not able to give time for myself... pity me... power point presentations... graphs... interpretations... my head is now turning up and over... nearly crazy... i don't know what is going to happen later... i'll take part in an event in my history of college life unprepared... unknowledgeable of what might happen... my heart wanna jump off its pericardial sac right now...

i wanna die... 'if the members of the group doesn't know the answer for the question thrown to them the leader is the one who, in his highness shall answer or allow me to say, 'obligated'to answer for his dum dum member... whew... yes, thanks to them, i am the leader of our group... how i wish they won't throw garbages when we're there on the situation already... i don't know how long will that take... it depends upon the panel i guess... and i don't have any idea who they are... how to approach people... how to behave... how to answer... and so many how to's and what if's...

i have finished the stage of examinations... now, proceeding to defense, and after this, what
awaits we is a Con... a game of trick... some kinda confidence game... we are going to have a play... that's it.. the EDC of the alphabet... reversed right?... that's how college life goes... no AB's... just backward EDC's... get it?...

Good luck to them... God'bless to us my dear groupmates... my friends...and classmates... whew!...
breathe... inhale... exhale... breathe...

it is still raining for more than half an hour now... and i don't think it'll be stopping soon... (and come to think of it... i don't have any umbrella... mine just broke... and idon't know how to get to school without getting all soaky wet...)

and my eyes,

they also wanna do so...




they wanna rain...:(

.,a public private room.....

.,i just want to flee into the yonder.... escape from my own place....i am not feeling any pleasure about 'i' trying to get along with a lot of some 'i don't know how to define'-individuals living here on earth...

i have not held any ideas on my mind that i will feel this f*ck*ng sh*t inside of me... i held back.... controlled my temper so as not to be sarcastic or mock another entity.... as far as i know i have not done such things to a person... especially to a young little girl on which i have always been very patient since the time that i have had any 'biological relationship' with her... i am thinking whether she might grow up like what she is right now.... some kinda bitchy at times... having mood swings.... she needs to reach her maturity age sooner or else i might get a full bucket and she-being dumped into a place she might not like.... she doesn't know who am i.... she doesn't have any idea that horns might sprang up from this silly billy inside of me.... she's digging up her own grave....lol...



yeah i am so bitchy... talking like i am really exasperated... and that it is a big thing for me....

i have offered a great favor and that is what i am gonna get in return... a mood problem... an attitude difficulty.... sigh.... well it is really annoying... this part of the day is really annoying....
i just hope i am gonna be more finesse when i am dealing with her.... more enduring... more tolerant.... or we shall clash....



my room has been occupied by a lot of people since you came....an empty room with an open door...yet full of floating and wandering souls... will i be happy???..... what can i get???..... have you been here already???..... and should you try???.... i am totally fed up... saying all the nasty things i can say... (this is a democratic country.. right??....)

invasion... attack... assault... i am sick of having seen 'some people' more often than i just should... and i cannot do anything to escape from this shit reality i am in now.... is this a park??.... how can you call this your 'personal'?.... if all the time... almost everyday these people are the ones you always see the benefits with.... i cannot explain further...

these are just my rough opinions... all that is running into my mind...
flashing....
evading....
maybe i just need some sleep... on my 'own bed' with my 'own pillow' in my 'own room'.... how i wish all these are just my own....

not sharing things with almost every single person going inside this room... i just want things to be mine... selfish??... hell not.... i just need some privacy... my own time in my own little place.... here inside my box....

that is all that i want for now.... can everyone please give me the favor???....
please understand!!!..... (screamin'....)