Indolently Dynamic

"I feel unworthy of little certainties..."

These are the words I have just uttered which then kept running through my 'crestfallen' mind. I feel so undeserving of what I have right now; not because I don't feel I am worthy for it but its because I don't feel its worthy of me. I have always denied the topic of me about being perfectionist, having a Type 'A' personality, overachieving, competitive and a boastful individual (*oooppps... remove the last!) yet it undeniably shows/ reveals a part of me which I think is a little normal for a teen of my age (*defensive).

I was taking everything easy these past few weeks or months should i say and its because I have overestimated my abilities and knowledge about certain information and situations. I have gotten grades which I think I don't deserve this much, but what could I possibly do if these are the fruits of my bitterly bearing tree? I just have to pick them up, wash a little bit and accept the fact that this is what I am going to have this semester, a closely rotten crop. I always tell myself (*which I have never had put to action) that I can do much or more than what I can, but I also know that there is this something which tries to hold me back. I just think I should've paid deeper attention with what I do regret now. Its crazy how life plays its plans for us.

***
I have had my check up i think last Thursday or Friday.. because i felt it is so necessary to have one. I have had my second fever for the month that day before the check up and it felt like I was nearly dying because it is quite unusual for my 'gaunt' body to have such more than once in a month or in this certain period of time. I shall have the colds forever said the Doctor, unless I mange to find ways how to strengthen my body or my immune system directly. In short, work out or exercise! (things i hate doing the most... haha..) Honestly speaking, I don't like activities that require physical exertion or efforts... let us play mind games instead. "Hijo, pwede ka magtuloy sa Medisina kung gusto mo..", he uttered smilingly after i have told him my assessments towards myself. lol. I did laugh hard after... then he told me he's not kidding.

***
"Magaganda ang grades ng batang 'to ah... Running ka ba? (for Cumlaude)", said the enrolling officer while i was into the initial validation of grades for my enrollment. I felt flattered. but then, suddenly it felt a little sad... "Ai hindi po... hindi na po ako Dean's Lister...", I replied humbly... or should i say embarrassed? I know I could have done better. So here comes Mr. Regret again... bothering my futile mind.

***
A week before, I took a hold of the responsibility of being the class president again as I am and the positive feed-backs I have received were all overwhelming. It feels great that people do appreciate all the things you do for them... may it be a favor, a voluntary deed or whatever. Perhaps an exemplification of the qualities of a good leader- as it is stated (Encarta).

I just had this notion ringing.. like, how is it so possible that other people manage to see what my real knowledge and abilities are when I, myself think that all my efforts still lack a ton if I could just say. When is the right time to use the words- sufficient and lacking? Like when they are supposed to be used interchangeably?
I have had conversations with different types of people.. from different walks of life... some whom i have listened to, while others enter the right side and then leave the opposite. I guess I still don't have "strategies" (as a kid told me while playing PVZ) on how to control my life and the situations despite the recurrence of such more than once in this insane earthly living. I just play it the way (how) I know I can win over it. I am now officially on my Senior year... and the pressure is on me to get the diploma, pass the board then and get a contenting job (with good grades and set higher standards).

A friend always do remind me of not being so happy on a one-time basis, i mean like getting into the happiest-moment-feeling-forever... (happy-go-lucky, one-day millionaire) because I may not have something to be left for the next day or the following days. I can't explain the feeling. Life, oftentimes feels so untrue... and i don't wanna be in this the whole time. I don't wanna have another tomorrow.

I want a day to be forever. I don't want things to end. I want today t0 be the sole dream of my forever.

and I pray to the Father, to let me live in a history... feeling like this life is eternal with the happiness of knowing that I am in a place surrounded by people who does not merely believe in destiny but in the sanctity and Sovereignty of Faith, Trust and Love.


-Angelo... -_-


P.S.

I dropped by @youtube to check on some videos then i get to hit this vid of David and i just wanna share.. I just miss archie too so much... :D
and if you get to read this, yeah You.. Old Owl, *ewan ko sayo... hahaha...

Nightynight... Godspeed!

Memoirs...

"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same." - Anne Frank

.,I have had a lot of stories running through my mind this past few weeks of blog-rest (shall I call it)... I just ran out of words I guess?...

I have come up into something I have not realized before or even gave a little attention with... I thought I have already known the ways of life; how it goes, its 'rights and wrongs', the ups and downs, even one's purpose and up to the time of a person's last deep breath... not until I have it right in my very eyes... In the weakest part of my body- my Heart.

12 days ago, our second day of duty at JPMH around 7:45 pm- has been the most critical hour of my hospital-life so far... I have never thought that I would be dealing with such situation ever in my wildest and most fearful nightmares... Yes, it was a nightmare. A nightmare which I have wished to be a gay dream but sorry for me, it was not. My Patient died. Simple as it may sound, but that four-letter word can change the walks of everything.

Hours before that incident, I have experienced a number of firsts for a semester and a fourth of hospital duty... When I have heard that I will be reassigned with the same patient at the Isolation Room, I have felt mixed emotions then... I thought it wouldn't be that difficult for me to make assessments, and that it would be easier for me to do charting and SOAPIEs (Its what I love doing the most, I am making a novel out of it). I also felt a little unhappy with it, knowing that for the second time, I am dealing with the difficult task of making Tatay be able to regain strength or maybe just feel a little better than he was the other day... My partner and I cleaned up the mess that Tatay have just made... Y'all know it. It was my first and I guess her first too, we have just communicated with our eyes and contacted each other with blinks and breathes... We have changed soiled Linens and diaper, and did TSB with TLC after(he's febrile that time). It was all my first.

After the dinner break and while we were having fun at the Nurse's Station which is just situated on the right side of the ISO and while our C.I. was discussing about something with corny jokes, my Patient's relative called our attention and said that Tatay was having a difficulty in breathing... we rushed into the room, Sir M taking the BP... 90/60, 60/palpatory... The unbelievable Doctor arrived walking in... Stethoscope here, here, here and one there...

"Wala na s'ya" (He's gone), the Resident 'Doctor' said emotionlessly.

Ate Barbara (Tatay's Daughter-in-law) lost control of herself and she have just cried... I was trying to hold back my tears... I don't know what to do... I walked into her and tapped her shoulders and her back.. that's all that I can do to show her how much I care... to empathize.
I was tasked to do Post Mortem Care then, I seem to be floating in the sea of nowhere when I was trying to get the towel from our Head Nurse. One stroke, I'm fine... Second stroke, I'll be Ok... This is what's running in my skeptic mind... I can't help it, I just cried... I saw droplets of tears falling from my weary eyes... tired of seeing people suffering from the hardships of life. I tried to close Tatay's eyes, it won't shut... I know he still wants to live.

"Tatay mag-iingat po kayo dun", those were the last words I whispered to his ears. I know he heard me... right?

I have just remembered, the night before we were talking (My group mates/Friends and I) while at the back of the hot Van while staring at the bright moon and the dark skies painted with glowing stars...

"Ry pag namatay ka tapos nabuhay ka ulit ano gusto mo maging?" (I have already forgotten her answer).

"Eah ikaw Ate Shee?", I asked them one by one... She replied, "Dagat. Eah ikaw Ava?"

"Gusto ko maging ulap... Langit", I uttered while looking up the beautiful night sky.

"Ang emo mo talaga Ava", that's Jobelle to me.

I always wanted to be the Heavens up above the sky... (Partly because its blue) but the real reason is that... the clouds have their own emotions with them... It travels everywhere... It 's never gone... They're always up there... Giving shade when there's so much light and gives way to light when the place is so dark... It rains when its feeling heavy and forms different shapes on its glory... :) I love it when it paints a rainbow and when the colors fade from red to orange and from violet to blue.... I love the Sunset-clouds; it marks the end of a wonderful day and I also love Sunrises- it means an awaiting great life ahead.

Life has changed a lot for me... I always see Tatay's eyes at night when I shut mine, I always remember his face when I sit to eat on the morning plate, I feel Tatay's warm skin when I am drying my body... I have just come into realization that this is what I am in to... this is what will I do, this is really an inevitable part of life, one of the hardest part of my Future Profession.

I don't want to experience or see another kind of Life and Death situation again, or do I still have to give all of me when caring for my patients and get so attached? I don't want to get hurt, but I know I won't feel I am happy when I don't know the difference of the two.

Life, Change, Death and Memories... For that day and that day only. Farewell Tatay! Take Care.

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God.
Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy amidst the simple beauty of nature. -Anne Frank

Nyctalopia (night blindness)...

"... it is at times more courageous to fight off than to continue fighting back for nothing..."

.,i was once a part of a 'perfect' family (when i was still at a very young age)... i thought, i have the best family amongst other children of my stage. That i have the best mom, the greatest dad, and the finest siblings in the whole wide world...
That's what an imaginative kid does while he's alone... to think of what are 'supposed to be' perfect (when in fact, he's just blinded by stuffs)...

"I wish I could go back... if only i could..."

I was blindly seeing during those times... Covered up by the innocence of a young child... where everything he does is right... Time passed, and we are all grown ups... Able to think and decide for ourselves, Able to object on things in contrast to what we think is right... and to know the boundaries between what is just and what is considered improper.

We have our own indifferences but it does not have to be widely spoken. We know ourselves better than other people do and so we must not be easily affected by the blabbermouthed individuals around us. We just need to benevolently give trust (although it isn't that effortlessly given) to each other.
I have been
existing living in this world for about 18years, 6months, 2days, 23:00 hours and 58 minutes, yet i am not able to swiftly go along with my river's flow. I think this is really how life goes...

Trials, struggles and certain hindrances come... and its either Victory nor Defeat which follows... Milestones are being created and some, being effortlessly destroyed...

Sometimes we just have to accept things in order for us to feel happy and contented with our lives and every now and then, we just
simply need to balance things... (Advices from my favorite Instructress'...)

"Learning to accept things does not always mean defeat, it is at times more courageous to fight off than to continue fighting back for nothing...

A little of something can be bad, and too much of stuffs can roughly be worst..."

-angelo...=(

P.S.

Now, it is raining hard. I think it'll be harder for me to sleep, it's hot and humid. And i don't really like the spark of the lightning secondary to the deafening thunder (though the latter does not exist). I am blinded by the night, i hardly can't see... how i wish to have a good light, one which can 'loosen up' my mind...

A Total Stranger...

" I have felt this feeling again,

An emotion I have had before...

A Total Stranger on my place,

A place I considered as home.

My psyche, it kept on wandering...

Searching for places to Live on..."

-Angelo (//-x)...

.,diversity...

.,from the start of the day, while the sun slowly rushes up to the clouds, different entities started to come my way...
i woke up a little early yesterday... my clock read 4:50 in the morning and i tell you its no joke... my eyes do want to shut but then it will be a sin if they will.. I went to the market with my dad, my older brother gave us a ride up to the main road... then we rode a bus going to our destination... (it's Balanga v/v Olongapo...)
From there, I've seen a lot of different individuals... each with their own Businesses... seating in front of us is a nursing student... How did I know?... hahaha... ask me how... of course she's wearing that full white uniform with that collar and buttons in... those silly stockings which always shows some skin.... (yah know it!...=) I can feel her exhaustiveness maybe coming from that 10-6 duty... She fell asleep on the hand rails just when the bus conductor was ready to collect the fair... on my left side is an old lady... i don't know where she's going but i heard her say... 'talipapa' (wet market) she's carrying a lot of stuffs... maybe her goods to sell... she's i think too old for her work... I pity those who do not deserve what they have... She paid for the fair and said " wag na, wag mo na akong suklian..." (no, that's alright.. just keep the change...) just when the conductor is going to give her her change... At the back of the driver's seat is a mother and son tandem... I wondered where they are going 'coz the mother wears a Sunday dress and the son on a high school uniform... Yes it is still school day, as a matter of fact it is just Thursday... and then arriving at their pit stop, that's just the time when I realized, they are going to submit their faith ... my father whispered to me... "huwebes nga pala ngayon... muntik ko na makalimutan... ( I almost forgot... It's Thursday today...) the entities I am talking about are 'Iglesia ni Cristo" they are having their mass every Thursday and the time i know is 5:30 Am... We are getting slose to our destination when a girl looked at me directly in the eye... I don't know maybe i have a dirt within the surface of my face... hahaha...=) and then we bid goodbye... Arriving at the market, we rode a tricycle to lessen our tiresome... The driver is a joker fat man... I do not know but I can't ride with that entity's personality... we are really just different... (even though he's my uncle...)
At the market, I got caught with the conversation of another mother and son duo... I just heard "200?... anuh yon!!... Lahat nga sila naka maroon tapos ako naka pula!..."(200pesos?... what is this?... they {maybe his friends} all are wearing maroon {shirts} and then me in red?...) The son shouting at his mom... He's younger than me... i know it because we study at the same school when I was elementary... His mom Just said nothing but i know she's hurt... Her son walked out of the scene with his mom following him... I do not know what was that specific reaction I had... Probably because I was just shocked... he was talking about a shirt maybe that he wants to buy for a certain occasion... I don't know where...
that situation made me look back at myself... and made me think How do I do?... (as a son, a student, a servant of God, As me, myself... and I...
There are Different individuals living in our world... and i know that every one of them is diverse or shall i say unique on their own simple ways... I do not know them but i know; by their words, their actions, what they wear, or even how they look at me... they can all be easily defined...
I always say this... i got this from a television show... 'Every one in this world is a plain VAGABOND......' just waiting to be explored to... Diversity... each and every entity is different and in their own ways...Unique through their own simple ways....