last and first...

.,i kept on asking myself if i have really convinced 'me' to stay on this situation or just hold back...

what's good about being a student nurse?... about failing to reach your aim?... about always struggling to get on track?...

i am just starting to travel the road which i have chosen. i don't know why i am here... i don't know what i am doing... i am facing every tomorrow with fear, anxious to do the things i don't really have no idea if i like (it)... i need to continue taking each and every step with people i know, like me, does not see the essence of being in this kind of situation right here, right now... having only a little empty heart for a caring and loving profession... a destiny waiting to be fulfilled, a vocation where there is no room for mistakes and errors...

honestly, idk if i still see a difference between schooling and studying... about exerting efforts and knowledge and by merely just going in and leaving out of the 'university' gate... i always wanted to feel or see even for some time a certain kind of flickering light... we can't always teach our hearts to be placed where it should be or rather where it wants to be... to feel this or that... compared to the one weighing above our heads...

i don't know if i am getting weak... losing strength psychologically, feeble physiologically, and frail spiritually... problems and struggles are undertaking me... i am slowly drawing out of my life...

change is a one thing that is constant in every person's life... and i will continue to undergo adjustments and some amendments for instances...

i wish i can do better... to have more rooms for improvements.... and much more for acceptance... if this is where i should be... if this is my destiny... if i can't manipulate where i want to be...

if wishes can only be dreams... and that dreams would only come true...

if and only if...

angel...

.,i can't help but remember those still times... when everything was all fine... when things were in their right places...

this music video was shoot long months ago... about October 2008 i think... from diverse paths... to cross roads... becoming a group... working together for a single aim...

this song means a lot to me... touches my heart whenever i am hearing it...

i wish i could go back...

if only i could...:)

p.s.

it's raining tonight... the temperature is low... but the tension in this house is high... there will still be tomorrow... some things can wait...:(

.,dreary... overcast... :(

.,“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”- Newton’s 3^rd law…

“We fall for us to learn how to rise up again. We fear so that we’ll know how to be courageous. We fade so that we’ll be able to repaint ourselves back… “

Some things were really just meant to be broken… why? I have no idea… I have written on my previous blog post a statement where in it sounds like or rather seems like I have promised that I will be an academic scholar on my 3^rd year first semester… I expected so much from myself… I think I still don’t know me.

Every individual who belongs on my circle of friends believes so much in me more than I trust myself now. Every one expects that this person, the one in front of them can do no wrong… the way he speaks and his gestures talk. He seems to be like a candle light in a path of darkness… yes, at times I glow but I cannot escape from the fact that all lights even the sun’s can one day lose its own brightness.

I was once a glowing star during my high school days. All of my teachers know me well, that I am an outstanding student. It even reached the time when my teacher introduced me to a department head and that’s when I was well known… the former department head of the mathematics department, the science department, and once by the filipino department head… I was once presented in front of these individuals by my homeroom class advisers. Although I was not that popular in the whole school I felt contented and valued whenever I see that my instructors recognizes me… and knows and remembers my ‘angelic name’…J

Annually in my four years of studying on my Alma Mater I never missed to be on the list of the recognized student… if medals, then there will be certificates of recognition given… I thought I was the best. That it was my shinning moment, that I can continue leaving footprints wherever I go… my mind was filled with air… I felt I was starting to float… I do not belong on the Star section but I know I can dance with their music… that’s how much I believe in myself… (That was during my high school days…)

My college life became rough during my first semester but I managed to get back on track the following semesters… (2^nd semester and summer) second year first semester, my major subjects got high on me… I was buried deep down… Second year, second semester, mid- term… I thought I was doing fine… oh no… not fine, make it good… but I went into a roller coaster ride while making my way to the finals… the result? I felt so much dizziness within me… my mind was going in circles… I was too confident that I myself was the one who dug my own pit. I started falling down…

My friends do believe that I do good on my academics that is why they think that I am just making fools out of them when I am telling them that I failed to get into the ceiling of being an academic scholar… but that’s when I realized that life isn’t always pure light, glow or brightness… sometimes we need to experience living in the dark for our eyes to pursue and seek for brightness… to look for better ways on how to grow, as a person, as an individual… lessons in life makes us stronger… that’s what I know... and I am learning to accept the fact that not all things that you are wanting will always be given to you. We are created not to be an indelible and perfect human being. We each have our rooms for improvement and we cannot fill them if we already consider ourselves perfect…

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, if you make little actions then you’ll probably get less reaction. But what if you make huge actions and yet you still get tiny, little reactions? Maybe that’s the time not to think of another possible action but to find better solutions, remedies and be able to resist the trials…

We need to move out of our comfort zones… “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction… We fall for us to learn how to rise up again. We fear so that we’ll know how to be courageous. We fade so that we’ll be able to repaint ourselves back…

.,Love, sunset...:)

.,"In every beginning, there will always be a succeeding end..."

there will always be a time in our lives when we will meet our own correspondents... somebody to help us write the stories of our lives... some one who will hand over you some papers to write onto... some to give you your writing pens when your inks lost lives... and others- erasers and correction fluids to keep you going after doing slip-ups to put you back on track...


after the longs hours of busy and wearisome schooling the colors painted above the skies always gives me a sigh of relief...

the amusing sunsets, a positive loneliness, rest and selflessness... these things clears my mind from doubtful thoughts and judgmental aspects running within it during critical times...

a perfect picture painted, having no viewing price to pay... God is Great... sunsets are gay...
and i love them better than sunrises...

sunsets starts the new sunrises... both gives way for the entrance of the other... but isn't it nicer to think of what you have accomplished for the whole day, reminiscin' the valuable stuffs you have done after the very busy daylight hours... of course doing the look backs at the end of the day... when the sun sets to rest and the moon then starts to work...


when people starts to shut their eyelids down and you alone tend to take a peek out to the beauty of nature, and then you'll start to think,

wishing for calm nights, sweet dreams...thinking of a not existing love life and all the blessings you have been waiting for so long... come to think of it, most people tends to remember just more of the negatives... and i am one of them... i am and was never a negativist nor a pessimist... but during the past few hours... i admit.. i kinda was...

shifting topics... i have always loved the beauty of the night... the glow of the moon during the dim, cold evening... makes me transform from a filthy human being to a clean hunting monster... there sprouted wings and sharp fangs...

if you were given this, you can't expect for the other fact that you can be given that... we can't always have everything all to be possessed at once... it takes time... like how the skies waits for the sunset to arrive... and how the moon waits while the sleeping of the sun takes place... we all have our own precious times... it just comes... we don't know when or how... but it is not important... what is more important is to believe that it will happen... it will happen if you'll learn to wait... patience, just this eight-letter word... and add another five for that... ef. ey. ay. ti. eytch... look op to BRO... HE's always there... presently watching...

life is a never ending examination... multiple choice type at times... and some unexpected identifications... lucky if there is a cross matching... (quite easy huh..) but never will be enumerations... what if there is an essay type?... or would you rather choose to define?...

do we need to able to defend powerfully?... or disappoint yourselves while getting away?...


i really don't care... now, i can sleep soundly...and from the spaces of my own room will i set my mind that 'things just don't always go the way we want it...'

.,raining...

.,march's first rainfall.. yes, it's raining in the Philippines after those hot and humid days... i feel my eyes still wanna shut its eyelids... sleepy... the weather wants me to go back to sleep.... but sadly, i can't...
sleepless nights will now soon be over... i am expecting that this will be the one of the last times when i will sleep at twelve midnight...with bulky eyebags... stress life... and what more negatives could i ever wish for...

we will be having our defense this morning at eight... i was not able to prepare for myself all the things i possibly need for that happening... i was busy doing stuffs for other people and so i was not able to give time for myself... pity me... power point presentations... graphs... interpretations... my head is now turning up and over... nearly crazy... i don't know what is going to happen later... i'll take part in an event in my history of college life unprepared... unknowledgeable of what might happen... my heart wanna jump off its pericardial sac right now...

i wanna die... 'if the members of the group doesn't know the answer for the question thrown to them the leader is the one who, in his highness shall answer or allow me to say, 'obligated'to answer for his dum dum member... whew... yes, thanks to them, i am the leader of our group... how i wish they won't throw garbages when we're there on the situation already... i don't know how long will that take... it depends upon the panel i guess... and i don't have any idea who they are... how to approach people... how to behave... how to answer... and so many how to's and what if's...

i have finished the stage of examinations... now, proceeding to defense, and after this, what
awaits we is a Con... a game of trick... some kinda confidence game... we are going to have a play... that's it.. the EDC of the alphabet... reversed right?... that's how college life goes... no AB's... just backward EDC's... get it?...

Good luck to them... God'bless to us my dear groupmates... my friends...and classmates... whew!...
breathe... inhale... exhale... breathe...

it is still raining for more than half an hour now... and i don't think it'll be stopping soon... (and come to think of it... i don't have any umbrella... mine just broke... and idon't know how to get to school without getting all soaky wet...)

and my eyes,

they also wanna do so...




they wanna rain...:(

.,Pagod....

.,anong gagawin mo kung malaman mong dalawang minuto na lamang ang nalalabi sa buhay mong napakaikli lamang?... ako?.... matutulog na lang ako!... para dire-diretso na diba?.... :)
hindi ko gusto ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.... sa mga panahong ito... tatlo... oo, tatlong araw na... walang pagbabago... hanggang ngayon nilalagnat pa rin ako... hindi ko magawa ang mga gusto kong gawin... hindi ako makapag aral ng maayos... walang kaluwalhatian ang aking paligid... pagod na ko... iinom ng gamot... matutulog... kakain... magpapahinga....
bawal lumabas ng silid... bawal gumamit ng computer... bawal manood ng telebisyon... ano pa?... pagod na 'ko... ano pang bawal?... bawal huminga?...

ilang linggo rin akong napahinga sa pagbisita sa lugar na ito... nawalan na ako ng panahon sa mga bagay na karaniwan kong ginagawa.... dati... noong mga panahong maayos pa ang sitwayon sa eskwela... and daming proyektong kailangang tapusin ngayon... at idagdag mo pa ang mga hindi inaasahang mga pangyayari.... hindi ako makakain ng maayos... nagugutom na ako.... napapagod.... nahihirapan...

matapos ang huling sayaw ko sa araling iyon nagsimula ang lahat...lunes, hindi ko alam kung paano naganap... basta ang alam ko nangyari na lang bigla.... gusto nang bumagsak ng katawan ko.... hapong-hapo na ako... lagi na lamang pagal ang aking nararamdaman.... sunod sunod na ang mga eksaminasyon sa eskwelahan matapos ng sayaw na iyon... at sa kasamaang palad wala ako sa aking sariling konsentrasyon ng mga panahong iyon... may maikling pagsusulit sa isang suhekto... isang mahabang pagsusulit naman sa susunod na araw... sabay sabay... walang patid... walang humpay.... nakakapagod... nakakapang hina... "hindi ako sigurado sa mga sinagot ko...." sariling interpretasyon... kanya kanya na lang yan..." sa pagkakataong ito ko lamang napag tanto kung ano na talaga ang nangyayari sa akin... pinipilit ko lamang ang sarili ko na tumayo kahit hindi ko na kaya.... ngumiti kahit nahihirapan na.... ang init ng aking pakiramdam.... wari mo ako'y inaapuyan.... hindi ko na kayang bumangon pa sa kamang aking hinihigaan...

lumipas na ang araw... miyerkules, mayroon na namang pag susulit.... gaya ng nauna, hindi ko ito pinag handaan.... ang alam ko lang may lagumang pagsusulit kami at iyon ang paghahandaan ko... kinakailangang gumamit ng malalalim na kawikaang tagalog para sa presentasyong iyon... at sa awa naman ng Panginoon nabigyan ang aking grupo ng mataas na grado.... (partida pa may sakit ako, una kami at pinaghandaan namin ito kulang isang araw bago ang mismong tagpo....) buti na lang....

ngayon, walang pasok, pero sa susunod na linggo may sarili na naman akong mundo .... dapat sana nagpapahinga ako.... pero kailangan ko rin kahit kaunting panahon na sapat lamang upang mabisita kitang muli.... sana bukas maging maayos na ako.... hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko... mag papahinga... mag aaral... at bibigyan ng panahon ang aking sarili....

maaayos na ang lahat...

umaasa ako...
mag hihintay....
alam ko....



oo, magiging maayos rin ang lahat.....

.,rush... rushing... rushed...

.,this is a night of things unexpected... i was just sitting on the sala studying for an exam (quiz tomorrow...) one major subject and a minor one... and then i just realized i am standing... making my way to the window and looking out to take a view...

fireworks!!!... beautiful fireworks...:) i rushed into my room to get my phone... of course i recorded it... hahaha... i was even worried it might stop anytime when i come back... but no... success!... i have taken two video clips each about a minute long and saved it in my new second hand (just) 117MB memory card... hahaha lols... time will come i'll have a 2gb memory card... mwahahahaha....

after the nice show (which i think is for the celebration of our brgy. week tomorrow and the city scholars, {i am a 'member'} are required for and were asked to attend...) i moved back to my study table and talked to myself (my own form of reviewing notes especially when i am all alone at home... like now...:)

seconds... minutes... clock tick's and tock's...

i thought i heard something.... a siren sound... a warning... again, for the second time i put my head into view... out the window... was that an ambulance?... i thought i saw one... no, but its big... oh a fire truck... maybe something wrong's happening... i wonder where the place might be...

sat back to my studying... i think i am still hearing the sounds of the siren... closer... and closer it gets... am i just making intuitions?... i think the trucks are coming towards our place... inside our subdivision... i, for the third time rose up from my sitting and made my way to the back door... and yes, i was right there is a fire happening somewhere at the 2nd phase of the subdivision...(we are at phase one...) folks were rushing towards the scene... in trikes and bikes... young, old... all the inquisitive people went there... its in man's nature.... to be very eager about other peoples affair... hahaha...

two fire trucks coming.... another one rushing... three fire trucks all in all.... i heard some chatterings... "mga talahib lang pala (tall dried grasses were burned...) buti naagapan kundi nadale yung bahay na katabi..." (good thing, no houses were burned...)

a lot of people there... i am at the back door still looking at the height of the situation... silently observing...
in this kind of situation you can or may be able to distinguish the concerned individuals and the just 'curious' ones who have nothing to do with their own lives and so they are happy getting into the track of someone else's life...:D

my clock reads 21:00 and i have just finished reading notes for the minor one... i still have a major subject left there at my study table... gotta get back if i do want to have a passing or rather a high grade...:)

"The world is filled with trivial individuals waiting and longing to have someone to look at them or think that they have worth..."

.,wan tru lab...

"True love may come more than once in a lifetime...."



"The last time i felt like this..."
-Words by: Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman
Music by: Marvin Hamlisch
Sung by: Johnny Mathis and Jane Oliver


Hello, I don't even know your name, but I'm hopin' all the same
This is more than just a simple hello.
Hello, do I smile and look away? No, I think I'll smile and stay
To see where this might go.

'Cause the last time I felt like this, I was falling in love,
Falling and feeling, I'd never fall in love again.
Yes, the last time I felt like this, was long before I knew
What I'm feeling now with you.

Hello, I can't wait till we're alone, somewhere quiet on our own
So that we can fall the rest of the way.
I know that before the night is thru, I'll be talking love to you,
Meaning every word I say.

'Cause the last time I felt like this I was falling in love,
Falling and feeling, I'd never fall in love again.
Yes, the last time I felt like this, was long before I knew
What I'm feeling now with you.

Oh, the last time I felt like this I was falling in love,
Falling and feeling, I'd never fall in love again.
Yes, the last time I felt like this, was long before I knew
What I'm feeling now with you.

....a very heart warming song in the course of the midnight blue... deep sentiments... emotions...

and the feeling of Love...



a one true love...

"The heart can remember what the mind might forget..."